IMPACT.

This weekend I attended a Self Defense class called IMPACT. There is just so much to say about it, that I'll just let you go to their website!

http://www.ndimpact.org/Default.aspx

:)

I feel so much better about myself. Much safer. Much more confident. And most of all, not afraid of being a victim again. Everything makes more sense now...everything my counselor has been trying to get me to cope with and move on with, finally all just clicked. I know I deserve better than what I've been getting now and in the past. I'm no one's second choice nor backup, not anymore.

I deserve:
Respect.
Love.
Passion.
To be taken care of.
To not be afraid.
To be confident.
To be strong.
To have a sense of safety.
And so much more.

Agh! I'm just so pumped up! I HIGHLY recommend taking this class to EVERY woman in the world, no matter if they were sexually assaulted or not. It's a great feeling in the end, tiring but a great accomplishment :)

I plan on getting a tattoo soon! Pics will be posted after I get it! ;)

She's the kinda girl.....

If I'm not your top priority, then stop loving me. Text me when you want to talk. Tell me if you think about me. What's stopping you? Yourself. You're gonna make a mistake if you don't take it soon. I'm not waiting forever. Forever, remember?

Dream it. Live it. Do it.

I think I'm going to quit school. I have absolutely no ambition to be in school anymore. I want to do my own thing, and that's what I'm going to do. My dream is to own my own business. A bakery. Sarah Jean's Cookies and Cakes. Yeah :) I like the sound of that. I've come to realize that baking is my true passion and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to conquer it. I want to be sucessful. I want to be known for something good. I want to bake for other people. It'll start small, just outside my kitchen and then expand to a place. My bakery. And then do catering. I would do parties, events, and other stuff. Part of the proceeds will go to Special Olympics and the Abused Adult Resource Center. I have a passion of giving back to people and businesses that gave so much to me.

My job has really changed me for the better. I love my job, I really do. Even though it can be rather annoying, hard, challenging, frusterating, and exhausting, it's so worth it when they appreciate you and give you a hug :) When I have my own bakery, I want to dedicated a day or a week to people with disabilities. I want them to come to my bakery and bake with me. On sunday, I baked for my grouphome, 2 of my consumers helped me put the cookies on the baking sheets. They loved it! And it made me feel so good inside that they were enjoying themselves. I loved it :)

AARC has given me my life back, and so has my counseling sessions, but they are mostly the same thing. The things that these women, and men also, have to deal with when they are sexually assaulted is more than anyone can imagine unless they've been through it. It's something that doesn't just go overnight. It's a lifetime struggle. It's really made me a better person today, made me a stronger young woman. Domestic violence is a serious problem in today's society, and it needs to be stopped. It's a subject that means the world to me.

I wish I could be multiplied multiple times. I want to do so much and be more than one person in my life. One of my dreams is also to speak to high schools, or individuals about sexual assault and how serious it really is.

"Back when you were mine..."

Love or infactuation?

Welllllll, I'm confused. It's about Brian. We hung out last night, and at first I wanted to make it work again. But then I was thinking maybe I don't. It's honestly not him really, but I think it's because I'm not ready. I mean, I kind of want a boyfriend again but at the same time I don't. I just don't really know what I want. There's a part of me that still kinda wants him but yet the other part is over him. I think this week, since we've been talking, I have been happy because we're not fighting for once and we're friends. I mean everytime we talked I just got soooo happy and giddy. I felt good, inside and out. But now that we've hung out I've realized that the happiness is there but it's decreased, know what I mean?

I'm not going to lie, I do miss a few things in our relationship, but it's the typical boyfriend/girlfrined stuff, not necessarily all about him. Right now, I just want to see how things go with our friendship. It would be hard to date, hypothetically, and wind up probably breaking up again and starting over all over again with our friendship. Like really? It took us 9 months after the breakup to start talking again. I do think it would be kinda easier though, for the breakup thing, after the 2nd time. Since we've been through it, and I'm going to try my best to not go back to the bad part of our previous relationship. Idk. I'm thinking too much about it, probably.

I've realized last night that it's kind of hard to start over with an ex. I'm not talking about feelings, but to be careful about what you say. There's no more love, so we can't say, "You love me anyway", and stuff like that because obviously we don't have those feelings anymore. It's still fun to talk to him, I'm really glad we're talking again. I'm mostly just going to let him text me when he wants too, unless obviously I need to talk to him or something. I don't want to rush anything or push any buttons with him. I don't need to be on bad terms with him again. I've personally set a boundry line for me. Maybe we'll date again, and maybe not. He has changed alot. And so have I. But there's still alot of work ahead of us just for our frienship.

I'm sure my next blog will be about him again, so I'll keep you updated. ;)


I love this song. It's not about Brian at all. Or anyone else for that matter, but it's really a great song. Enjoy :)

Sometimes you can't help how you feel...

Lalala :)

Okay, I think it's time for some inspirational quotes :)

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
- Unknown

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.
- Unknown

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."
- Lisa Brooks

I am strong because I am weak.
I am beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a lover because I am a fighter.
I am fearless because I have been afraid.
I am wise because I have been foolish.
& I can laugh because I've known sadness.
- Unknown

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
George Jean Nathan

Silly, stupid love.

Have you ever thought of what could be if things actually went right? In the past 24 hours I have been thinking about the past year and how much I wish that things were different. Okay, so first off...Brian and I talked last night...and yaaa...I'm in trouble. Feelings definaetly came up, thank god I had my counseling session today to get some advice. It's not like I want him back, I just kinda wish things would of been different ya know? I know, I know, this is getting old but I can't help how I feel. No one can. Like who's really going to get over your first "serious" relationship in 9 months...or ever? Ya know? Idk, I'm over him but yet there will always be apart of me that will still want him...for now. I miss the good times we had. We have had plenty of bad times, and I looked back at them today during my session and it made me realize what a terrible person I was to him, as a girlfriend. We both needed to grow up and be apart from eachother. I want to be friends with him but I'm not sure if he wants too. I like new beginnings with old ex's and friends...sometimes they turn out good, and sometimes bad. After the breakup 9 months ago, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky girl that hid her heartbreak. I put a smile on my face when I didn't want to face my pain. I pretended to be happy, broke down a few times then just decided to try to move on. I'm now grieving our lost relationship....9 months later. I tend to skip the grieving part, to show the world that I'm okay and I can deal with it. Then months later, out of the blue it comes down on me like a ton of bricks. What I'm trying to say is that I miss what we had, now that we talked again. A few weeks ago, we both admitted that we were still hurt of what happened in our previous relationship and I thought about that today....how I'm still not completely healed. I honestly feel so dumb about this. I honestly feel so giddy and so vulnerable when we talked...it was rediculious. I didn't know what to do. Obviously I still have feelings for him, he was the best boyfriend I've had so far. I don't want to push anything but I just wish he would understand that I want a fresh start. I think it'll be easier for me if we did hang out once to see if there was that attraction still there, or not. But I'm not going to rush anything. I told him he can text me whenever. I'll let him control this first step...if there is one.

This kinda reminded me of the new episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager that aired on monday (Labor Day) If you have not watched it, just ignore me ahahah. But anyway, Adrian still "loved" Ricky so to speak and said that they would make love again...well as you may know, Ricky is with Amy now. They are living together above the butchershop with their son, John. It's cute :) (Ricky proposed to Amy during graduation, so now they are engaged. yayy!!! ) After graduation, a graduate was having a party at his house. Adrian has already been there, and then here comes Ricky and Amy, newly engaged, and Ricky looks at Adrian and asks her "Did you want something from me?" He winds up kissing her. In front of Amy and the party. WOW!!!! But, Amy allowed it because Adrian said that one more kiss and she would be "free" of him forever and she will officially move on for good. And she's now officially over him because they kissed one more time. Now, in the end, Grace and Jack recently dated and Jack still loves her, but she doesn't show that she still loves him, even though you KNOW she does! So, Jack says, "Do you really believe that? That you could be over someone with a kiss?" And they wind up kissing....and obviously they still love eachother (they're like perfect for eachother!) Okay, so this kinda relates to real life. Can someone really be over their ex after one last kiss? One may never know, I don't think I will hahaha. But if we were together...if we wouldn't of broken up, idk what would be happening...probably almost engaged. hahahahahahahahaha! Not. Well, maybe. I kinda wish things were different, but yet I have learned so much from our relationship and breakup. I've grown alot as a young adult in the past 9 months. Your boyfriend is not everything. But who knows, maybe we'll just be good friends again, I hope so.

I wish my dad was here. I hope he's proud of me. I have a very good job. I'm in school. I support myself. I have no boyfriends ahhahaha. And my mother and I have not faught in like 2 months. I hope he's proud of me, I really hope so. My world would be so much better if he was here with us.

Picture perfect.

In today's society, we are judged by how we look, how much we weigh and what class in society we fit in. I think this is sad because those people who judge don't realize how much that person that they have judged and made fun of feel inside. I am a perfect example of being judged. My own mother sometimes judges me to an extent, how much I eat, how much I do homework, etc. And honestly, it kills me. Why don't people just look at the positives instead of the negatives? I'm not saying that I'm perfect, trust me, sometimes I judge a person too quickly by appearances, but no one's perfect. Everyone judges, but it's the extent that someone judges. When someone is judged, that person becomes critical of themselves throughout life. Not 100% of all judged people do this, I'm one of them that still do, even though my self esteem is higher than average.

Now, I'm not trying to put the spotlight on me, but I'm trying to make a statement. My best friend Miranda is a photographer in progress, and she asked me to model for her today. These are some picture proofs :)

Now, normally this would be a good "senior" picture pose. Nothing wrong huh? My face looks fat. My shirt is too low. And my eyes are just weird. Very uneven.

This one is honestly one of my favorites. My hair is good, it's bright, nicely done pose. You may think that I have it all. I have fat thighs. My hips are too big. And behind this smile....there is depression, hurt, low self esteem and a girl that has been sexually assaulted more than once. I will be scared for the rest of my life.

Nothing wrong with this one, right? Wrong. I hate my smile. I wish I had a bright, beautiful, full smile.

This girl right here, looks confident, smart and has her life in order.
I hate my self image. I wish it was easy to lose weight. I don't do well in school, I don't study. I see a counselor once a week to help with my problems, it's a struggle to keep friends.

This girl, right here knows what she wants in life. Not afraid of anything.
I don't know what I want in life. I'm afraid of my future, money, work, school, family, friends and my daddy in heaven. Sometimes I have breakdowns. And in those breakdowns I want my life to end, I wish I was never born.

I guess you never really know how a person feels inside until you get to know them. When I took a poetry class in high school, I had a quote I had to define in  my own words, it said, "If you judge something, you will never learn to love it" True that. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, I'm trying to make a point that is such a big deal in today's world.

Now, for the positives:

I love laughing and smiling. Laughing is the best medicine. I honestly laugh at myself allll the time! And a smile can say a million things, overall, happiness. And it's contagious ;)

Even though I need to lose weight, I'm pretty content with myself. Yes, at times I get a little down on myself, but that's okay, it'll only make me stronger. I have a bad sweet tooth, I can't help it :p I try to go to the gym often.

I look at myself constantly. I make sure my hair is okay, my makeup is in place and that my butt doesn't look THAT big ahhaha

I'm actually a pretty confident person. I think I'm pretty. I think I have a lively laugh. I always smile and have a good time. I have cute dimples when I lose weight.

I do see a counselor once a week, but it has made me a stronger person as I get older. I have a lot on my plate for a 20 year old, (or I think) and it's sometimes hard to make the right decisions on life, boys, friends, peer pressure, school, work and my lovely daddy in heaven. But I love life. I couldn't ask for anything better in life, because EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!

After all of this, I do know that I will find the perfect guy that will treat me the way I need and deserve to be treated. He will not judge me, take advantage of me, use me and overall not take care of me. He will love me for who I am and that's all that will matter.

"Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need, and somebody I won't have to prove. Cause somebody will see all my worth, but until then, I'll do just fine on my own. With my cigarettes amd this old dirt road." The Wreckers.

I am who I am, and no one can change that. I may not be perfect, but really? Who is?

Updateeee!

Well, honestly I've been really busy lately so here's the wrap up of my recent life! :)

- I'm now a Pride employee! My last day of Stepping Stones was July 28th! I worked both jobs for 2 weeks. My first full time day was the first of August. I LOVE my job. I really do enjoy working with people with disabilities, it makes me feel really good :)

- Brian and I talked this weekend...I offered friendship and he winded up ruining it and bringing up the past. I plan on not being friends with him.

- I've met a 2 new friends. Jason from Bismarck, he's pretty cool. Nick is from Fargo, he's nice. Guy friends are good. Girlfriends are immature right now.
- Zach and I have been talking a lot lately, he's definaetly someone I would totally see myself dating. We'll see. Bob and I have been hanging out a lot. I love my guy friends :)

- I'm getting a new hair cut and color on thursday. I'm super excited for a change!

- I'm finally getting some counseling. It's helped me a lot so far. I took an assessment test, and it shows that I have mild depression and a good possibility of Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, do to my bad, negative, abusive past.

- Jessie and I (6th grade friend) had supper last night. We are planning on getting together more often. She also works at Pride.

- My dad's one year was a week ago today...I did good.

- I want to fix my smile once and for all! My goal for the next week is to start going to the dentist and get my teeth straightened. Braces is a good possibility.

- I'm going to school part time this year. I'm very excited.

- I bought a new vehicle! It's a 2000 Mercury Mountaineer. I love it! :)

- I've been realizing who my REAL friends are. My high school friends are not my real friends, they are not there for me when I need them the most. I don't need them in my life anyway.

- I enjoy being single a lot. But I do want a boyfriend in the near future.

- I've grown up a lot in the past year. I think I'm a pretty mature 20 year old college student.

That pretty much sums it uppp :)

Quotes :)

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a great sense of humor that has me hooked on you.

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
— Audrey Hepburn

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."
— Audrey Hepburn

 

 

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
— Marilyn Monroe

 

"Patience is the companion of wisdom." Saint Augustine

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Albert Einstein

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. . . . Explore. Dream."
Mark Twain

“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”
Maya Angelou

“Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what
you have.”
Doris Mortman

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”
Agnes Repplier

:)

Happiness. Pure happiness.

Like my last blog said, I've been a lot happier lately. I've really grown apart from people that bring nagativity into my life, and have brought in new people that actually care about me and don't cause drama. I've learned a lot lately, here's just a few things...

- I'm not perfect. I'm content with who I am and no one can change that.

- North Dakota does NOT hold my future. I'm moving to Colorado in 2 years to continue my education.

- It seems that everyday, every week, every holiday makes it harder to realize that my father is dead. I miss him terribly.

- I love chocolate and I can't help myself to a nice chocolate bar. Keep those away from me. HAHA!

- Brian doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Just a faded memory.

- I'm loud. I'm confident. I'm beautiful. I'm complicated. I have a temper. But that's who I am. Take me or leave me.

- I love to meet new people.

- Going slow is a good thing. Going fast can break hearts.

- I don't want a child till I'm married.

- I love my life. Even though it a long journey.

- I get crabby if I'm tired.

- I love food. I love boys. I love guy friends. Not ready for a boyfriend. Lovin the single life too much to give it up!

- I HATE people who start drama. I HATE liars and being lied too.

- Fake girls really make me mad.

- I'm never "spotting" a friend again. Or doing an "IOU" from a friend.

- Overall, I love to get away for a while. To breathe. Relax. Enjoy life.

- I'm obsessed with bouquets of flowers.

- I love being spoiled but not too spoiled.

- Sex jokes are the best. Especially when you're having a bad day.

- I am my own best friend.


All for now. Have a good evening :)

:)

I've been happier with life lately. Which is VERY good. Sometimes it's and off and on feeling. I had a date with a guy who I graduated with. His name is Zach. We've been talking for quite a while and he finally admitted that he would like to take me on a few dates...and possibly date. It's not about the dating part that I'm SUPER excited about, because honestly I don't need to be in a relationship but he's such a sweetheart and I kinda want to give him a shot. He kinda reminds me of Brian, but he's much more mature! He actually bought me my movie ticket, and offered to buy me something at the concessions. Big step up, for me honestly. I had to pay for most things when I go on dates...which is fine if it's split or something. So, he took me to Pirates of the Caribbean....in 3-D!!! It was AWESOME!!! I'm really excited to continue going on dates with him. There's something about him that's different...yet, he really hasn't had a true girlfriend before so he's really shy but that's okay. I'll break him out of his shell :p Anyway, so I've been a happy girl lately. Things are turning around for me in the positive way. I guess my mom was right...good things happen to those who wait. Remember that, kids.

I recenetly joined Weight Watchers. Ya, ya, ya I'm sure you're wondering WHY I would join...it's a DIET. No, I dont necessarily consider it as a diet, it's a healthier lifestyle. I mean, I'm 19...going to be 20 in July...I should be in a bikini and a size 7 jean or something. Ya know? My first week I lost 5 pounds, without working out. So I was pretty excited. The main reason why I joined is because I want to live longer for my future kids, husband, family and overall just being healthier. I have a history of diabetes in my family, and I don't want to be one of them who gets it from being overweight. It's all about portions actually. So far, so good. So I'm really excited to continue my journey of being healthier..and Zach is VERY supportive of me :)

Well, I guess I should probably get my room cleaned up...it's a little messy with my clothes.

Life can only defeat you if you let it

In the past few months I have learned a lot. About myself, others, family, friends and my past. I've learned that it's hard to get over something/someone if it/they meant a lot to you. Life's not easy. Sometimes people take the easy way out and end their life. Let's face it, life is hard. Paying bills, school, heartbreaks, depression, love, friends, family, etc. sucks. It all sucks. Well, a few months ago, I had this set in my mind that life sucked. And honestly, it really doesn't. Life can only defeat you if you let it.

I've let life defeat me. I gave up on everything and everyone. Not anymore. I had a wake up call that has changed/helped me for the better. I've realized a lot. And I didn't have a councelor to help me think that way, I did it myself. Life is short, so live it up. Do something you've never done before, be different, be unique, be yourself. Honestly, I'm quite embarassing to be around sometimes. I'm loud, crazy, bright, obnoxious, stubborn, clumpsy and just overall a weird person. But I like that. It's who I am. And I like me. A lot actually. Some may not but I sure do enjoy myself sometimes.

So, here's the latest update:

Brian and I started talking again. Memories have definaetly been popping up often. I miss it. I miss him. I miss what we used to have. Or do I? Am I making myself feel bad? No one really knows I guess. Well, I kinda miss him. Not like I miss him so much that I'll cry or anything. But missing someone isn't bad...is it? I don't know...but oh well. I'll move on eventually. He is taken so nothing said could change anything.  But honestly, I'm very content single. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I know that I can't handle it. I need time. Lots of time.

I tried a long distance relationship for the first time: FAIL! It's not for me. I need/want to be close to someone, not 4 hours away. It did teach me a lot though. Brian and I were ALWAYS together at the end/middle of our relationship. We never really hung out with our other friends or had girl/guy time. The long distance relationship made me realize that you don't need your partner 24/7. He doesn't need to be there for you just to give you a hug. A person needs to be a little independent in a relationship. I know I'm a very emotional person, but I've gone too far most times. I've definaetly learned to not get your hopes up or put that person on a pedistool. Not good. I did that with Brian and I demanded wayyy too much out of him. And that's not right. I know that I'm not perfect, so why should my boyfriend be? I'm honestly a real complicated person to deal with sometimes. I don't always say/ask for what I want nor talk about what I want, so why should my partner? I'm far from perfect, it's crazy. Like I know that no one is perfect, but I tend to think that way sometimes...that's bad :(

I pretty much have a new bedroom. I have a new mattress, bed, dresser, and a flat screen with possible Netflix. I'm realllly excited.

I miss my dad. Like a lot. I think about him everyday. I know I've probably said that before but it's true. I got my first tattoo. I'm proud of myself! I'm also going to make a little memorial for my dad in my room...I got a little wall thing at Hallmark that says; "Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what if meant to lose you no one will ever know" and I will have a picture of him right beside it. I'm realllly excited to put it up this weekend! :)

Theee tattoo!!! It looks better in person....




RANDOM THOUGHT:
I've been thinking about my future...and how it's not going to be according to your "plan" so...I'm not planning on getting married and or have kids til I'm 30. HAHAHAHAHAHA! My mother doesn't like the idea, but I think it's kinda funny :p

Have a GREAT day! :)

No boyfriend zone.

I've recently found out who I really am. I've personally been struggling with myself, self esteem and my social life. I always wanted to be around boys and stuff..and really, I enjoy having guy friends because they don't cause uneccesary drama but do I want to be more than friends with them(him)? Not sure. Recently in my life I've gotten myself into my first long distance relationship...we broke up withing 2 weeks. At first I thought it would be good for me because my last relationship we never had space between eachother. It's the point of trusting him that really bothered me. I mean it was good and I learned a lot from those 2 weeks. I've noticed that I will litterly making myself miserable. I was constantly putting myself down and making myself feel like shit. Well, obviously that's not cool. I'm generally a confident person. I am compfortable about myself and I always have a sense of self wellness.

I've really realized that I don't need a man/boyfriend in my life. I actually LOVE being single. I can talk to boys all I want and have no self guilt about talking to them...even though we are just friends. I love having NO drama in my life. I'm too busy having fun with my friends and family that I don't necessarily want or need someone to make me "happy." At first I felt like I did need a guy to make me happy, but in reality I really dont. Yes, it is nice to get flowers, cards, a nice dinner or something cute like that from a boyfriend, but honestly, I've been told that by my guy friends that I'm beautiful, I deserve someone better, amazing...etc. That's all I need. And actually, I need myself right now than a boyfriend. Who needs boys? Sarah Jahraus doesn't right now! :)

Now here's the hard part...my dad. God, I feel like it gets harder and harder as time passes. I can't believe it'll be a year in July. I wish I had my dad here to help me...I mean I have my mom but it's also nice to have a second opinion on my questions about life, love and the future. I miss him so much. There is not one day that I don't think about him. Everytime something reminds me of him or if I talk/hear about him I get so depressed and start crying. I think I need counceling or something. I don't know. Ugh, I wish I knew what I needed to get through this..to get though everything.

Daddy, I love you and I miss you like crazy. Here's a song that reminds me of you, and that you are here with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEP5sWuDi8

Odds and ends...

As I'm here thinking about life, lately I've realized what I love and hate about life, people, things, etc. Enjoy. haha

LOVE:
daisies
summer
sunshine
the river
honesty
meeting new people
being crazy
roadtrips
experiencing something new
cuddling
yellow
music
late nights
late night shopping
hoodies
yoga pants
shopping, of course
chocolate dipped peanut butter granola bars
babies
taking long, hot showers
sleeping next to someone
long walks
payday
hockey

~~~~~~~~~~~~

HATE:
lies/being lied too
winter
fakes
cheaters
drunks
hypocrites
judgmental people
laziness
not having enough money
vaccuuming
not enough hours in the day
homework
bitchy, rude people
dog hair on my clothes
boredome
being ignored
being woken up
not being able to contact someone in certain situations
paying taxes
guys who use girls for sex


Make one yourself, now. See how many things you can come up with.

My life be like ohh ahh!

It's been a month since I've written...been busy with school, work, friends and having enough "me time." I've met new people that now have an impact on my life right now. I've realized that its a doggy dog world out there and everyone's going to end up hurt and disappointed.

School's going well. Almost done with my first semester of college...WHOOP WHOOP! I've changed my major like three times this year, but I have time so it's okayyy. I really want to be a stay at home mom when I grow up. I want to complete my degree in counceling then be a stay at home mom. Well, that's my dream anyway. Since I've been working in the infant room, I've learned so much about infants. Their developement, social life, food, their surroundings and how they grow. I want the best for my kids, but who doesn't? I want to marry a guy who has a good career that I can stay at home with my kid(s). I want to be there for my baby's first steps, crawl, first words, when they start eating table food, etc. But we'll see what God has in store for me. But until then, I will keep taking care of my babies at work :)

Summer cannot come sooner! I'm so sick and tired of winter! Ughh! At least it's almost over with...thank god. I miss the sunshine. In June, my mom and I are going to drive to Colorado for her animal massage class. I'm sooo excited! I haven't really gotten away from North Dakota since I went to Kansas in 2006. So, I'm reallly excited to experience Colorado and it's beauties. Now, this summer is a big summer for me. I'm planning to move out. I want to live by myself but it would be nice to have a roomate. So, my friend Ivy and I are going to move in together. We'll see how that works out..depends on my money situation really. But either way I'm looking forward to moving out, having my own space. I really want to go see Lady Antebellum at the state fair this summer...but we'll see. This summer I turn 20...holy shit I'm old :/
But I'm kind of excited about it....closer to 21 ;) haha. My summer plans also hopefully consist of going to grand forks/fargo for a roadtrip. I have a friend who live in grand forks...and we just might be dating soooo why wouldnt I go up there? :p haha

Sorry if my blog is kinda sloppy, my mind is going 100 mph right now.

This is me, take me or leave me.

"I have curves, so im fat. If I wear makeup, I'm fake. If I like to get dressed up, I'm a hoochie. If I say what i think, I'm a bitch. If I cry sometimes, I'm a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I'm a slut. If I stand up for myself, I'm mouthy. Seems like you can't do anything now a days without being labeled.. So what, go ahead and ...label me, see if I give a shit."

Okay, I'm a little bit of a facebook fanitic and what I find there. But this "post" really opened my eyes to realize what's really going on in my life...that I am me, and I love myself (not in that self absorbed way) Lately I've been realizing who I really am. I've realized that I am tempermental, emotional, bitch that cannot control what she says or does sometimes. Hahaha, ok, maybe that was a little rough but I think you get my drift. Personally, I didn't really give a damn if I loved myself or not, or realized much about myself. Yes I knew some things about myself but lately I've been getting deeper. I've come to the conclusion that I love myself. I am a confident, beautiful, smart, funny, strong young woman that is going through a lot lately. It's been hard dealing with things...realizing that I'm not happy with life, I need counceling, money is always an issue, school, switching my degree and dealing with Brian.

Welllll, an update on the ex boyfriend...he has a new girlfriend already. A month and a half of being broken up from a 8 month relationship and he has a new girlfriend. Wow. I know and understand that it's his life, but seriously what the hell is wrong with you? You're so confused and you don't know what you want! Sorry, I get a little carried away with this subject. It really urks me. But whatever. He broke 2 hearts already in the past month and a half, he can keep on going breaking hearts if that's what floats his boat. He broke mine and his prom date's heart. She thought he liked her, because she liked him...yada, yada, yada...and the day he told her that he has a new girlfriend and that they were going to go to prom together, she was so hurt and pissed. He honestly doesn't know what he's really doing. I personally think that a person needs to take some time to heal or really think about things...like dating again for example. But that's just me. He says he's so over me and everything but why does he act so weird when we talk about the good times we had? He's really confusing, but whatever. He jumped into a relationship too quick I think, for her to take away his confusion maybe...I don't know. I really want to say that "I don't care" but then I would be lying to myself. I care but yet at the same time I really don't...but I don't a whole lot. Like I still care about him and I don't want to see him hurt but at the same time he can do what he wants to do. It's his life. Not mine. I'm done, just done. I've tried my best to make our situation easier and better for the both of us, and he doens't even give a damn..it's like he's motionless. Someday, he'll think about all the good times we had and he will start to miss it again. If he comes to his senses someday and realizes what he had with me was the best he's had...and if he wants it back...I'm probably just going to laugh and reject him because I will be over him and I will have moved on. I gave him everything I could, but it just wasn't meant to be probably. He'll think about it later on...I know he will. He just wont' admit it now because he's in his own little world. He plans on moving out and living in an apartment with his friends this fall and take a year off of college, so hopefully he'll grow up a little bit...and I will have been taking counceling to control some of my issues. Everything will be better. I know it.

So, enough about him, I've been talking to a lot of friends and trying to keep myself busy. During the week I keep myself busy with school and homework and on the weekends, I try my best to stay busy and occupied. Friday night was an off night...I had an emotional attack. It was a short one, but I cried and screamed and was just so frusterated with life I had to let it out. I was upset because my dad is dead, Brian and I aren't together, which leads to finding boys to hang out with, and just myself in general. It was a bad 5 minutes, but I made it through and I was better after that little spaz of emotions. I've been talking to a lot of my girlfriends who are actually going through pretty much the same thing as I am. Losing boyfriend, fighting with emotions, dealing with "new girlfrineds" or girls in general, depression and just not being happy with the situation we are all in. I have 2 of my friends that are going through that....and I know many others that are going through the same thing too. I've been talking to these two ladies for the past week and it's made me feel better in general because we all understand what eachother means and feels. It's awesome but at the same time, it's sad. It's awesome because like I said, we have eachother, but it's sad because it's happening to them also...it's all because of our younger, immature boyfriends that walked out on us. We gave them everything we could, talked to them, supported them, made sure the relationship was under control...yes we all have to control our rage of anger but that's one thing we can work on. It's just hard knowing that this isn't just happening to me. It's happening to a lot of girls that I dont' even know.

I just had a thought when I was typing this...since I want to be a councelor when I grow up, I want to have maybe a "talk session" when girls like me are going through the same thing talk about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions about their guys. I can see it so perfectly in my head...like every tuesday or something we can all get together and talk and do some exercises to help eachother out. I really want to help people, especially when it comes to people who are going through the same thing. I wish I had a better house so I could make this into a possible "talk session" Hmmm...maybe if I talk to the library and have it in the conference room...hmmmm...ideas, ideas. I hope to have my own space/apartment in the fall so it would definaetly work better then...but I kinda want to get started NOW. Hhaahha...I'll think about it and I'lll let people know.

Well, I better go and get myself ready for the day.
If you or anyone has any suggestions please contact me :)

It's been a while...

Here's an update on my life: Brian and I have been on good terms, been hanging out a lot lately. We both missed the closeness that we shared with eachother when we were dating, but nothing's going to change with us. He's going to ask a girl out soon. We're done, over with. I feel that he's such an ass for wanting to be in a relationship a month and a half we break up from a 8 month relationship. Whatever, I'm not going to let it get to me anymore. I'm done trying to make him relaize what he's missing out on and how much I miss having him around as my boyfriend. I'm done. Just done. My feelings for him has definaetly been noticeable whenever we would hang out. It didn't affect me as much lately because I have gotten myself so upset that I honestly couldnt feel anything towards him...til we legitly hung out and acting like a couple made me think of how much it hurts to see him happy without me. I've gotten a lot of mixed emotions/vibes from him. One minute he looks like he wants to get back together with me, and the next he doesn't want anything from me.

After a month and a half of mixed emotions, feelings and bad vibes, I've officially just given up on him. I talked to my good friend, Ashley last night after I came back from the gym. She really encouraged me to try to move on, it's better said than done, and it will take time but I can do it. He was not the one for me. There was a lot going on in our relationship in the last 4 months before we broke up. A lot of fighting. We were both tired of it. I just have to reallly accept that it's over. It will be a little hard on me when he gets his new girlfriend in the beginning, but it will also help me. It will help me to back off since he's busy with her and make me relax and do things that I want to do. I need to make time for myself, hang out with friends and keep myself busy. It will be a struggle, but I can do it. Like she said, it will take time, it's not easy getting over a person who treated you the way you wanted to be treated, who made you feel alive, happy, and who loved you for you.

Anyway, I'm gonna go and enjoy the day. It's going to be 40 above today and I'm going to take advantage of it :)

Why hello there, stranger!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Been really busy with school, work, family, working out and trying to make everything work out. Ugh. Why is life so damn complicated? Seriously, can't one thing go right? I'll explain in the next few paragraphs.

MY CAR: Transmission died. Took it to the shop and it would of cost at least $2,500 + labor. Great. So, I talked to my mom and uncle about it and what I should do. I bought my car from my uncle so I pretty much took his advice, and he said that it wasn't worth the new transmission. My mom agreed. I didn't even like my car that much, ya it was nice that it had leather seats, cd player, sun roof and it was a luxury car...but just not for me. I had it for 3/4 months, paid $1,500 for it. It was origianally $2,500, I was going to pay the rest of the $1,000 when I had the money. (This was when I got into that car accident in October) So, it's $1,500 for 3 months...not worth it. But whatever, it happens. Shit happens. So, right now I am car-less. My mom and brother drive me to school and work monday thru friday. It sucks. Not only for them, but for me too. I hate it that I can't go to the gym, go for a quick drive...I miss my freedom I had when I had a vehicle. Ugh. So, I'm car shopping for now. Stressed with that, money and the car situation in general. FML.

Brian and I have gotten better, off and on fighting but it's over within like 5 minutes. I seriously thought he was going to come back and try again with our relationship. I didn't give up. We hung out a few times and they were fun. We talked, laughed, flirted, and just relaxed with eachother. It was nice having a few "one-on-one time" with eachtoher without fighting. It was actually only about 3 times that we faught in the past 2 weeks. Big improvment, but not quite there yet. Stupid boys. Why do they have to play with your heart? He said that he missed me, he wanted "us" back, wanted me back; but he enjoys the single life. Whatever. At first I seriously didn't know what to do. The more time we talked and spent time together, the more confused I got. I mean, I missed him one day, then the next I really don't. I missed us more than I missed him, I thought. Just the way we act around eachother seemed like it wasn't officially over. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. Right now, we're not talking to eachother. We both need some space from eachother for a while. I think we just get so caught up with our emotions when we talk and hang out that we just need some time to think and do things for ourselves. At first, I was determined to get him back, to prove to him what he's missing. Now, I really don't give a crap. I'm so done with my mixed emotions, him pulling at my heart strings and him just being him. Either way, we both need to grow up a little bit. I listen to a song everyday to keep me going, it's called "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. My favorite song right now. It keeps me going, realizing that I CAN make it through this emotional roller coaster. It totally speaks the words I cannot admit or say. I don't deserve him, I've done enough, giving him everything I had.

Well, I honestly can't think for myself right now so I'm going to relax in my bed and get some shut eye. Here's the video of Sara Evan's, A Little Bit Stronger. Enjoy! :)

So...

Today was the first FULL day of class. Alarm is set for 6:00 am, I wake up at 8:30. My first class starts at 8:00 am. Great. First day of class and I miss it. Awesome, thanks alarm clock! Intro to Sociology at 8 am, slept in on accident. College Algebra at 9 am, homework. English 120 at 10 am, homework. Speech at 11 am, homework. Great. Just great. Homework on the first day. Fabulous. BUT I don't have speech class on friday, and no classes on monday, YES!! At least work went well afterwords though :)

So, after feeding babies, changing dirty diapers, work went well. I LOVE working in the baby room. Less stress for me that's for sure. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I work at a daycare in Bismarck. During Christmas break I was the "maid" so to speak. I cooked, cleaned, prepared snacks, filled in when we are short on staff and cleaned again. I got moved to the baby room the beginning of the year. So, instead of cleaning after toddlers and preschoolers, I pick up poop, spit up, and feed them. I love it. The infants are from 6 weeks - 12 months. The youngest infant we have is 3 months, and my personal favorite, Olivia. (Aside form my other favorite infant, Kailynn) So, overall, work was good. We have a pair of twin girls, Kristen and Kendall. They are so funny and the toughest little girls I know. They are 10 months. Dylan (don't know how old he is) is the cutest baby boy there. He is the twins' boyfriend haha ;) All the babies make my day and make work fun even though they can be a pain at times. But, I love it :) I love my job :)

Ever since Brian and I broke up, we have not been on good terms for the past week. He was constantly yelling at me, calling me a "liar, cheater, a hypocrit and a bitch" ~ in his words. Pretty much making me feel like shit. I was so fed up with the texting, I told him that we needed to talk asap. I went to his work tonight and we talked from like 5:45 - 9 ish. We had a very nice talk. Thank god no one was at his work wanting to skate. (He works for the Parks and Rec after school program and Southside; an outside ice skating rink by the football field/tennis courts here in Mandan) Later we went to DQ and had some ice cream. It was really nice to talk to him in person about things. I felt like we understood eachother more than we did. We still have a ways to go, but this is a good step to a better place than we are now. I was hoping that he was going to miss me, but I was wrong. I looked into his eyes, and knew he wasnt 100% happy. I know he's content being single, and honestly, I think I am too. But there's something about him that's not all there...I don't know what it is, but I want to find out someday. Maybe not now, but someday I will know. Maybe he does miss what we had and he won't admit it. Maybe he's thinking too much/too little about his friends and how much they influence him. I don't know. Ugh. Whatever. He did admit that he wishes we would hang out...so I think that's a good thing :) Or at least I hope so. I don't know what will happen in the future, I will just have to live in the present and not worry about the past or the future. Right now, we will remain friends. I think we both need to get through some healing. Maybe  we aren't meant to be together, maybe we're better off this way. Things will turn around for us, somehow, someway. If we're together or as friends, things will turn around with us. Everything happens for a reason.

I need to do homework tomorrow night...great. Math should be easy and English shouldn't take that long. My Speech work will get done during the weekend since it is not due til next wednseday.

Have a great rest of the week!

No comment.

"I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest nor do I have the perfect body. I may not be someone's 1st choice but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not because I'm good at being me. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. Take me as I am or watch me walk away."

Stay strong, Sarah, stay strong. No matter how much it hurts, keep smiling. Don't show them how you really feel, they will only know you're vulnerable. You're not vulnerable. You don't need a man to be by your side. You're a strong, independent, beautiful young woman who has a lot to offer a man. Such as love, support, passion, sensitivity, trust, honesty, a spunky spirit and a great personality. Make choices for you instead of others, put yourself first for once and look past all the haters. Everybody fights. Everybody makes mistakes. You made yours, he's made his. You image your love life as "The Notebook" novel. Losing the one you love all because of a stupid fight. Stupidity. Ignorance. No communication. Love lost...maybe forever. Maybe not. I do know that what we had was real. I'll always remember how we would laugh together, live life together and fall in love together. Stop thinking about it. It's over. Can't you see that? I know you still don't think it's over...but for now it is. Mom does still think you're together forever but no one knows the future. You've already grown up from your mistakes. You've done everything you could, now it's up to him. If he doesn't see that you have grown from your mistakes, he's not worth it. He's dumb for not seeing it, but someday some guy will. Just know that you tried and everything happens for a reason, good or bad. And that all good things come to an end...(or so they say)

Always remember: Live, laugh, love every single day. Stay strong, stay true.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; If they don’t they never were."

Last night I couldn't sleep at all, thinking about Brian and what we had. It made me so upset, seriously I was constantly crying, begging him to come back to me. I probably only got a good 3 hours of sleep total. This is taking control of my life and I needed some help. I contacted one of my co-workers who I used to work with, Jess. She has gone through a lot in her teenage life, getting pregnant at age 16 with her boyfriend who just left her last fall. They were together for a long time and they moved into their own apartment last summer. I wondered how she coped with losing her boyfriend/baby's daddy.

I needed someone who was mature and who knew what I was going through. Yes, Brian and I didn't have a baby together or moved in, but we were still together for 8 months. During those 8 months we fell in love and wanted to move in together when he gets into college. We were serious about eachother and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with eachother. We even had our future daughter's names picked out. Natalie Jean. We were still debating on the boy. We knew we were meant to be together at the time. But time changed. We both changed. I don't really want to go into full detail on what really went on in our relationship, but in the end, we were not happy. I was devistated when he broke it off with me. We had everything. We were everything I've always wanted us to be. *sigh*

Anyway, I wanted to get some advice from someone else about my situation and how to cope with losing someone you thought wanted to be with you forever. While we were talking, (facebook emailing) she made a lot of sense. First off, I should not of made him my everything. Bad idea. People change. Feelings change. Things change. I need to be strong and not show him my tears. I need to show myself, him and the world that I am happy without him. I don't need him in my life. She has helped me realize that I don't necessarily need him. I love him and I will always love him, but everything happens for a reason. I thought my whole life was ruined because he broke up with me. I was wrong. I feel better and I feel like I can do anything now. It's going to be tough trying to get over him, but we will still be best friends. Deep in my heart, I still believe we are meant to be together. Maybe things will turn around in the end. Maybe we will be back together. I won't hope, wish or dream that we will be together again, I can only live my life day by day.

Girls, don't make your boyfriend your everything. Especailly when you're young. I thought I found the one I've been looking for, but no one's for certain. Live everyday like it's your last day on earth and appreciate everything you have. "You don't know what you have til it's gone."

Everything happens for a reason. Brian and I are going to be friends for now, he says we will still hang out, he will talk to me if I need to talk about anything, and I know he still cares about me enough to not be a total and complete asshole. I'm going to respect the friendship as it is and take it from there. Maybe he wasn't right for me. Maybe we aren't meant to be together. Ok, I need to shutup about him. Either way, I feel better about myself.

Jess and I are going to work out and lose weight together and I am so excited :) I finally have a work out partner PLUS someone who understands what I'm going through and who I'm comfortable talking too about this stuff. (even though Brian and I did work out, all he wanted to do was lift weights and I wanted to do cardio more than weight lifting) Ahhh, life is good :) Things are going to get better for me, I know they will.

Here's a quote one of my best friends sent me today:

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong do you'll appreciate when things go right. You believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can come together."

:)

Happy Frickin New Year

Ok, maybe that was a little strong...Happy New Year, hope you enjoyed your New Years Eve and hope 2011 will be a better year than 2010.

Now, it's ranting time. I'm single. What a way to start the new year, huh? Brian broke up with me because neither of us are happy enough to make it throught the relationship. This week we took a break, hoping it would be for the better, and it ended up breaking us up. Fuck. My. Life. Why did I not have the ability to see this coming? Ugh...I just don't know what to say right now...my whole world just walked out of my life as my boyfriend. 8 months...wasted. We will still be best friends, but I hope we are more than friends later on in life. I hope he comes back to me soon...no one will EVER replace him. He was my first love. Shit. I don't know what to do. Fuck. UGHHH!!!! WHY ME?!?! WHY THE 1ST OF THE YEAR?!!?! :(