This is me, take me or leave me.

"I have curves, so im fat. If I wear makeup, I'm fake. If I like to get dressed up, I'm a hoochie. If I say what i think, I'm a bitch. If I cry sometimes, I'm a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I'm a slut. If I stand up for myself, I'm mouthy. Seems like you can't do anything now a days without being labeled.. So what, go ahead and ...label me, see if I give a shit."

Okay, I'm a little bit of a facebook fanitic and what I find there. But this "post" really opened my eyes to realize what's really going on in my life...that I am me, and I love myself (not in that self absorbed way) Lately I've been realizing who I really am. I've realized that I am tempermental, emotional, bitch that cannot control what she says or does sometimes. Hahaha, ok, maybe that was a little rough but I think you get my drift. Personally, I didn't really give a damn if I loved myself or not, or realized much about myself. Yes I knew some things about myself but lately I've been getting deeper. I've come to the conclusion that I love myself. I am a confident, beautiful, smart, funny, strong young woman that is going through a lot lately. It's been hard dealing with things...realizing that I'm not happy with life, I need counceling, money is always an issue, school, switching my degree and dealing with Brian.

Welllll, an update on the ex boyfriend...he has a new girlfriend already. A month and a half of being broken up from a 8 month relationship and he has a new girlfriend. Wow. I know and understand that it's his life, but seriously what the hell is wrong with you? You're so confused and you don't know what you want! Sorry, I get a little carried away with this subject. It really urks me. But whatever. He broke 2 hearts already in the past month and a half, he can keep on going breaking hearts if that's what floats his boat. He broke mine and his prom date's heart. She thought he liked her, because she liked him...yada, yada, yada...and the day he told her that he has a new girlfriend and that they were going to go to prom together, she was so hurt and pissed. He honestly doesn't know what he's really doing. I personally think that a person needs to take some time to heal or really think about things...like dating again for example. But that's just me. He says he's so over me and everything but why does he act so weird when we talk about the good times we had? He's really confusing, but whatever. He jumped into a relationship too quick I think, for her to take away his confusion maybe...I don't know. I really want to say that "I don't care" but then I would be lying to myself. I care but yet at the same time I really don't...but I don't a whole lot. Like I still care about him and I don't want to see him hurt but at the same time he can do what he wants to do. It's his life. Not mine. I'm done, just done. I've tried my best to make our situation easier and better for the both of us, and he doens't even give a damn..it's like he's motionless. Someday, he'll think about all the good times we had and he will start to miss it again. If he comes to his senses someday and realizes what he had with me was the best he's had...and if he wants it back...I'm probably just going to laugh and reject him because I will be over him and I will have moved on. I gave him everything I could, but it just wasn't meant to be probably. He'll think about it later on...I know he will. He just wont' admit it now because he's in his own little world. He plans on moving out and living in an apartment with his friends this fall and take a year off of college, so hopefully he'll grow up a little bit...and I will have been taking counceling to control some of my issues. Everything will be better. I know it.

So, enough about him, I've been talking to a lot of friends and trying to keep myself busy. During the week I keep myself busy with school and homework and on the weekends, I try my best to stay busy and occupied. Friday night was an off night...I had an emotional attack. It was a short one, but I cried and screamed and was just so frusterated with life I had to let it out. I was upset because my dad is dead, Brian and I aren't together, which leads to finding boys to hang out with, and just myself in general. It was a bad 5 minutes, but I made it through and I was better after that little spaz of emotions. I've been talking to a lot of my girlfriends who are actually going through pretty much the same thing as I am. Losing boyfriend, fighting with emotions, dealing with "new girlfrineds" or girls in general, depression and just not being happy with the situation we are all in. I have 2 of my friends that are going through that....and I know many others that are going through the same thing too. I've been talking to these two ladies for the past week and it's made me feel better in general because we all understand what eachother means and feels. It's awesome but at the same time, it's sad. It's awesome because like I said, we have eachother, but it's sad because it's happening to them also...it's all because of our younger, immature boyfriends that walked out on us. We gave them everything we could, talked to them, supported them, made sure the relationship was under control...yes we all have to control our rage of anger but that's one thing we can work on. It's just hard knowing that this isn't just happening to me. It's happening to a lot of girls that I dont' even know.

I just had a thought when I was typing this...since I want to be a councelor when I grow up, I want to have maybe a "talk session" when girls like me are going through the same thing talk about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions about their guys. I can see it so perfectly in my head...like every tuesday or something we can all get together and talk and do some exercises to help eachother out. I really want to help people, especially when it comes to people who are going through the same thing. I wish I had a better house so I could make this into a possible "talk session" Hmmm...maybe if I talk to the library and have it in the conference room...hmmmm...ideas, ideas. I hope to have my own space/apartment in the fall so it would definaetly work better then...but I kinda want to get started NOW. Hhaahha...I'll think about it and I'lll let people know.

Well, I better go and get myself ready for the day.
If you or anyone has any suggestions please contact me :)

It's been a while...

Here's an update on my life: Brian and I have been on good terms, been hanging out a lot lately. We both missed the closeness that we shared with eachother when we were dating, but nothing's going to change with us. He's going to ask a girl out soon. We're done, over with. I feel that he's such an ass for wanting to be in a relationship a month and a half we break up from a 8 month relationship. Whatever, I'm not going to let it get to me anymore. I'm done trying to make him relaize what he's missing out on and how much I miss having him around as my boyfriend. I'm done. Just done. My feelings for him has definaetly been noticeable whenever we would hang out. It didn't affect me as much lately because I have gotten myself so upset that I honestly couldnt feel anything towards him...til we legitly hung out and acting like a couple made me think of how much it hurts to see him happy without me. I've gotten a lot of mixed emotions/vibes from him. One minute he looks like he wants to get back together with me, and the next he doesn't want anything from me.

After a month and a half of mixed emotions, feelings and bad vibes, I've officially just given up on him. I talked to my good friend, Ashley last night after I came back from the gym. She really encouraged me to try to move on, it's better said than done, and it will take time but I can do it. He was not the one for me. There was a lot going on in our relationship in the last 4 months before we broke up. A lot of fighting. We were both tired of it. I just have to reallly accept that it's over. It will be a little hard on me when he gets his new girlfriend in the beginning, but it will also help me. It will help me to back off since he's busy with her and make me relax and do things that I want to do. I need to make time for myself, hang out with friends and keep myself busy. It will be a struggle, but I can do it. Like she said, it will take time, it's not easy getting over a person who treated you the way you wanted to be treated, who made you feel alive, happy, and who loved you for you.

Anyway, I'm gonna go and enjoy the day. It's going to be 40 above today and I'm going to take advantage of it :)