She's the kinda girl.....

If I'm not your top priority, then stop loving me. Text me when you want to talk. Tell me if you think about me. What's stopping you? Yourself. You're gonna make a mistake if you don't take it soon. I'm not waiting forever. Forever, remember?

Dream it. Live it. Do it.

I think I'm going to quit school. I have absolutely no ambition to be in school anymore. I want to do my own thing, and that's what I'm going to do. My dream is to own my own business. A bakery. Sarah Jean's Cookies and Cakes. Yeah :) I like the sound of that. I've come to realize that baking is my true passion and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to conquer it. I want to be sucessful. I want to be known for something good. I want to bake for other people. It'll start small, just outside my kitchen and then expand to a place. My bakery. And then do catering. I would do parties, events, and other stuff. Part of the proceeds will go to Special Olympics and the Abused Adult Resource Center. I have a passion of giving back to people and businesses that gave so much to me.

My job has really changed me for the better. I love my job, I really do. Even though it can be rather annoying, hard, challenging, frusterating, and exhausting, it's so worth it when they appreciate you and give you a hug :) When I have my own bakery, I want to dedicated a day or a week to people with disabilities. I want them to come to my bakery and bake with me. On sunday, I baked for my grouphome, 2 of my consumers helped me put the cookies on the baking sheets. They loved it! And it made me feel so good inside that they were enjoying themselves. I loved it :)

AARC has given me my life back, and so has my counseling sessions, but they are mostly the same thing. The things that these women, and men also, have to deal with when they are sexually assaulted is more than anyone can imagine unless they've been through it. It's something that doesn't just go overnight. It's a lifetime struggle. It's really made me a better person today, made me a stronger young woman. Domestic violence is a serious problem in today's society, and it needs to be stopped. It's a subject that means the world to me.

I wish I could be multiplied multiple times. I want to do so much and be more than one person in my life. One of my dreams is also to speak to high schools, or individuals about sexual assault and how serious it really is.

"Back when you were mine..."

Love or infactuation?

Welllllll, I'm confused. It's about Brian. We hung out last night, and at first I wanted to make it work again. But then I was thinking maybe I don't. It's honestly not him really, but I think it's because I'm not ready. I mean, I kind of want a boyfriend again but at the same time I don't. I just don't really know what I want. There's a part of me that still kinda wants him but yet the other part is over him. I think this week, since we've been talking, I have been happy because we're not fighting for once and we're friends. I mean everytime we talked I just got soooo happy and giddy. I felt good, inside and out. But now that we've hung out I've realized that the happiness is there but it's decreased, know what I mean?

I'm not going to lie, I do miss a few things in our relationship, but it's the typical boyfriend/girlfrined stuff, not necessarily all about him. Right now, I just want to see how things go with our friendship. It would be hard to date, hypothetically, and wind up probably breaking up again and starting over all over again with our friendship. Like really? It took us 9 months after the breakup to start talking again. I do think it would be kinda easier though, for the breakup thing, after the 2nd time. Since we've been through it, and I'm going to try my best to not go back to the bad part of our previous relationship. Idk. I'm thinking too much about it, probably.

I've realized last night that it's kind of hard to start over with an ex. I'm not talking about feelings, but to be careful about what you say. There's no more love, so we can't say, "You love me anyway", and stuff like that because obviously we don't have those feelings anymore. It's still fun to talk to him, I'm really glad we're talking again. I'm mostly just going to let him text me when he wants too, unless obviously I need to talk to him or something. I don't want to rush anything or push any buttons with him. I don't need to be on bad terms with him again. I've personally set a boundry line for me. Maybe we'll date again, and maybe not. He has changed alot. And so have I. But there's still alot of work ahead of us just for our frienship.

I'm sure my next blog will be about him again, so I'll keep you updated. ;)


I love this song. It's not about Brian at all. Or anyone else for that matter, but it's really a great song. Enjoy :)

Sometimes you can't help how you feel...

Lalala :)

Okay, I think it's time for some inspirational quotes :)

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
- Unknown

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.
- Unknown

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."
- Lisa Brooks

I am strong because I am weak.
I am beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a lover because I am a fighter.
I am fearless because I have been afraid.
I am wise because I have been foolish.
& I can laugh because I've known sadness.
- Unknown

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
George Jean Nathan

Silly, stupid love.

Have you ever thought of what could be if things actually went right? In the past 24 hours I have been thinking about the past year and how much I wish that things were different. Okay, so first off...Brian and I talked last night...and yaaa...I'm in trouble. Feelings definaetly came up, thank god I had my counseling session today to get some advice. It's not like I want him back, I just kinda wish things would of been different ya know? I know, I know, this is getting old but I can't help how I feel. No one can. Like who's really going to get over your first "serious" relationship in 9 months...or ever? Ya know? Idk, I'm over him but yet there will always be apart of me that will still want him...for now. I miss the good times we had. We have had plenty of bad times, and I looked back at them today during my session and it made me realize what a terrible person I was to him, as a girlfriend. We both needed to grow up and be apart from eachother. I want to be friends with him but I'm not sure if he wants too. I like new beginnings with old ex's and friends...sometimes they turn out good, and sometimes bad. After the breakup 9 months ago, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky girl that hid her heartbreak. I put a smile on my face when I didn't want to face my pain. I pretended to be happy, broke down a few times then just decided to try to move on. I'm now grieving our lost relationship....9 months later. I tend to skip the grieving part, to show the world that I'm okay and I can deal with it. Then months later, out of the blue it comes down on me like a ton of bricks. What I'm trying to say is that I miss what we had, now that we talked again. A few weeks ago, we both admitted that we were still hurt of what happened in our previous relationship and I thought about that today....how I'm still not completely healed. I honestly feel so dumb about this. I honestly feel so giddy and so vulnerable when we talked...it was rediculious. I didn't know what to do. Obviously I still have feelings for him, he was the best boyfriend I've had so far. I don't want to push anything but I just wish he would understand that I want a fresh start. I think it'll be easier for me if we did hang out once to see if there was that attraction still there, or not. But I'm not going to rush anything. I told him he can text me whenever. I'll let him control this first step...if there is one.

This kinda reminded me of the new episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager that aired on monday (Labor Day) If you have not watched it, just ignore me ahahah. But anyway, Adrian still "loved" Ricky so to speak and said that they would make love again...well as you may know, Ricky is with Amy now. They are living together above the butchershop with their son, John. It's cute :) (Ricky proposed to Amy during graduation, so now they are engaged. yayy!!! ) After graduation, a graduate was having a party at his house. Adrian has already been there, and then here comes Ricky and Amy, newly engaged, and Ricky looks at Adrian and asks her "Did you want something from me?" He winds up kissing her. In front of Amy and the party. WOW!!!! But, Amy allowed it because Adrian said that one more kiss and she would be "free" of him forever and she will officially move on for good. And she's now officially over him because they kissed one more time. Now, in the end, Grace and Jack recently dated and Jack still loves her, but she doesn't show that she still loves him, even though you KNOW she does! So, Jack says, "Do you really believe that? That you could be over someone with a kiss?" And they wind up kissing....and obviously they still love eachother (they're like perfect for eachother!) Okay, so this kinda relates to real life. Can someone really be over their ex after one last kiss? One may never know, I don't think I will hahaha. But if we were together...if we wouldn't of broken up, idk what would be happening...probably almost engaged. hahahahahahahahaha! Not. Well, maybe. I kinda wish things were different, but yet I have learned so much from our relationship and breakup. I've grown alot as a young adult in the past 9 months. Your boyfriend is not everything. But who knows, maybe we'll just be good friends again, I hope so.

I wish my dad was here. I hope he's proud of me. I have a very good job. I'm in school. I support myself. I have no boyfriends ahhahaha. And my mother and I have not faught in like 2 months. I hope he's proud of me, I really hope so. My world would be so much better if he was here with us.

Picture perfect.

In today's society, we are judged by how we look, how much we weigh and what class in society we fit in. I think this is sad because those people who judge don't realize how much that person that they have judged and made fun of feel inside. I am a perfect example of being judged. My own mother sometimes judges me to an extent, how much I eat, how much I do homework, etc. And honestly, it kills me. Why don't people just look at the positives instead of the negatives? I'm not saying that I'm perfect, trust me, sometimes I judge a person too quickly by appearances, but no one's perfect. Everyone judges, but it's the extent that someone judges. When someone is judged, that person becomes critical of themselves throughout life. Not 100% of all judged people do this, I'm one of them that still do, even though my self esteem is higher than average.

Now, I'm not trying to put the spotlight on me, but I'm trying to make a statement. My best friend Miranda is a photographer in progress, and she asked me to model for her today. These are some picture proofs :)

Now, normally this would be a good "senior" picture pose. Nothing wrong huh? My face looks fat. My shirt is too low. And my eyes are just weird. Very uneven.

This one is honestly one of my favorites. My hair is good, it's bright, nicely done pose. You may think that I have it all. I have fat thighs. My hips are too big. And behind this smile....there is depression, hurt, low self esteem and a girl that has been sexually assaulted more than once. I will be scared for the rest of my life.

Nothing wrong with this one, right? Wrong. I hate my smile. I wish I had a bright, beautiful, full smile.

This girl right here, looks confident, smart and has her life in order.
I hate my self image. I wish it was easy to lose weight. I don't do well in school, I don't study. I see a counselor once a week to help with my problems, it's a struggle to keep friends.

This girl, right here knows what she wants in life. Not afraid of anything.
I don't know what I want in life. I'm afraid of my future, money, work, school, family, friends and my daddy in heaven. Sometimes I have breakdowns. And in those breakdowns I want my life to end, I wish I was never born.

I guess you never really know how a person feels inside until you get to know them. When I took a poetry class in high school, I had a quote I had to define in  my own words, it said, "If you judge something, you will never learn to love it" True that. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, I'm trying to make a point that is such a big deal in today's world.

Now, for the positives:

I love laughing and smiling. Laughing is the best medicine. I honestly laugh at myself allll the time! And a smile can say a million things, overall, happiness. And it's contagious ;)

Even though I need to lose weight, I'm pretty content with myself. Yes, at times I get a little down on myself, but that's okay, it'll only make me stronger. I have a bad sweet tooth, I can't help it :p I try to go to the gym often.

I look at myself constantly. I make sure my hair is okay, my makeup is in place and that my butt doesn't look THAT big ahhaha

I'm actually a pretty confident person. I think I'm pretty. I think I have a lively laugh. I always smile and have a good time. I have cute dimples when I lose weight.

I do see a counselor once a week, but it has made me a stronger person as I get older. I have a lot on my plate for a 20 year old, (or I think) and it's sometimes hard to make the right decisions on life, boys, friends, peer pressure, school, work and my lovely daddy in heaven. But I love life. I couldn't ask for anything better in life, because EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!

After all of this, I do know that I will find the perfect guy that will treat me the way I need and deserve to be treated. He will not judge me, take advantage of me, use me and overall not take care of me. He will love me for who I am and that's all that will matter.

"Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need, and somebody I won't have to prove. Cause somebody will see all my worth, but until then, I'll do just fine on my own. With my cigarettes amd this old dirt road." The Wreckers.

I am who I am, and no one can change that. I may not be perfect, but really? Who is?