Monday, December 27, 2010

New Years Resolution

Every year people make the traditional "New Years Resolution." Within those people, only a handful of them REALLY complete their task. (Or that I know of anyway) For the past couple years I have made up my own resolution, and I have not completed one. Go figure. I don't know about you, but I feel that 2011 is going to be a better year than 2010. For 2011, I am going to finally complete my resolution...I swear. I am getting to that age that I can really put more thought into my future and do little things to help my future in some way.

Ok, I'm following the trend...I want to lose weight once and for all. I am tired of the way I look. I want to finally be able to look good and be confident enough to buy a bikini. I'm a 19 year old college freshman and I shouldn't be uncomfortable in my own body when I go out sometimes. I want to look and feel a lot better in general, boost my confidence and not be so self conscious about myself all leading to being a better daughter, girlfriend and sister. I think losing weight will help with my relationship with Brian. Honestly, we both need to lose weight. With the both of us losing weight we would be generally more content and confident. I think it would help with the fighting, also. I hate it when he eats out so much. Ugh. So many calories! I should talk, but I could lose weight, I just need to have self control when it comes to food and work harder at the gym. Its also goes for him. Damn men, why is it that they can lose weight easier than women?!? Grrrr.

Aside from losing weight, I want to cut down on my swearing, control my temper, try harder in school and think before I say things. This also kinda leads from the weight thing, but once I start getting healthier, I think this will help with my misc things like my swearing for example. Lately I've been noticing that it's really not that attractive when I swear...I sound trashy. Brian doesn't even swear that much. I have to admit, I've been getting bad since I moved out last year. Since I'm a college student, I have to really start focusing on my grades. I don't want to fall behind and I don't want to wind up not getting my degree. I really need to start trying a lot harder, darn it. 2011 is going to see a new Sarah Jahraus, just you wait :)

Last but not least, I want to be finacially stable/move out by myself or with Brian. Since corners are getting tight at my mom's house, I am getting mature enough that I can be independent and have a place of my own. Brian isn't so sure if he wants to move in now. I kinda ruined it, but sometimes I feel that I will be taking away his first year of college by moving in with me. I mean, he has bills to pay for, aside from paying for his college himself. He needs to be mature about it and stick it through. Sometimes I feel that he is just not ready to move out. I mean, we would only be dating a year in late April, I/we would move in by July or August. And we're both so young to move in together or moving in general. I know I'm ready for it, but sometimes I feel like he isn't fully. But, we will see how it goes. Take it one day at a time and keep our fingers crossed. We were first thinking about moving into my grandma's basement, then a legit apartment and now we're back to square one. The basement sounds pretty promising. It's cheap and it's a BIG space, I mean HUGE! The carpeting is outdated, but at least the kitchen, bathroom and other appliances works well. My uncle, who is the landowner of the house, hired people to paint and remodel it. It looks a lot better than before, so it works for me :) My mom is going to contact him after the holidays and probably make a deal for next summer. Excited? Yes. A little nervous? Yes. Brian moving in with me? Possibly.

Well, there ya go! I have nothing else to really talk about now, so I'll let this rest for the evening.

Happy Holidays, and have a AWESOME New Year! Maybe a few months from now I can be at least 20 lbs skinnier :)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

I remember the day you passed away. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, bright eyes laid to rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best.
Put this on your status if there’s someone in Heaven that you miss every day & wish that they could be here for Christmas ~ Dad <3


Dad,
I miss you like crazy.  Throughout this holiday season, I often think about how much life has changed since you've been gone. It's only been about 5 months and so much has changed. I've grown into a more mature young woman, completed my first semester of college and bought a car. I don't know if you're really proud of me and my mistakes I have made since you have passed away. I know with some things you are not very happy with me, but then there are some that I hope make you proud. Next year, I want to make you proud of me more than disappointed. I want to try harder in school, work harder, and enjoy life more. I wish you were here to help and support me as I grow. 

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and I want you to know that I love you and I hope you're in a better place. It's so hard going through the holidays without you. Sometimes I think you will walk right through the door, alive and healthy. Sometimes I can't believe you're gone. And sometimes I don't even want to think about it. It hurts when I see dad's picking up their kids at work. Yet, you have never really picked me up from daycare or anything much when I was little, but it still hurts. I hope to someday make you proud with my accomplishments as I grown into a woman. God, it's so hard to believe you're gone. I often think that this is all a nightmare, and you're out trucking, exploring the US. But I have to wake up and smell the roses....you're never coming back. When I pass by a semi truck, I think of you, hoping you were the one who was driving.

Brian's aunt passed away last weekend...now he knows what it feels like to lose a family member. Today was her funeral....it made me think about your funeral. How much I cried, the stupid family drama, the bitching, and the family in general. Since you've been gone, your family has not been a good family to us, and you know that. I just don't know what to do anymore, dad. I feel like everything's falling apart in my life. I don't know what I want, or what to do. Help me. Look out for me. Please guide me to the right path. 

I have been thinking about your death lately. Well duh. But I remember when I saw you laying on the bathroom floor, motionless. Your face was red. You groaned for help before you collapsed. I can image your body falling in the ground as your heart gave out. The pain, I can never imagine. Why didn't I hear you hit the floor? Why couldn't I been awake to help you? Why? Why?! WHY?!?!?!

Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave us? Leave me? Life was getting better for you. The house was almost done, you were getting a better job opportunity at your job and you were going to find a place for you, me and Matt to live in, just in case. Fuck. My. Life. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I'm numb. I don't know what to do. Take this pain away, please?

....but I guess I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Goodbye Textbooks, Hello Christmas Break!

Well, today was my last day of finals/first semester. WHOO HOO!!! I am done with my first semester of college!!1 I am sooo excited Christmas break is here! I've been needing a break with stress, school, work, family, money and a social life.

To start off my christmas break, I am spending some time with my family and Brian for the most part. Tomorrow I am going over to one of my best friend, Brittney's apartment to chat along with her sister. It will be nice to catch up with the girls.

Friday I'm going over to Brian's for Christmas with his parents. Saturday he takes off to Fargo for the Houser Christmas. I am not going because of space and they are renting a hotel room and him and I cannot sleep in the same bed/room together. Parents will be parents. Oh well, I need a break anyway.

Saturday I am spending some time with my friend Maranda, who's been having a rough time with her boyfriend (now  ex) so it will also be nice to catch up with her and have a little girl time with her when Brian's gone.

Sunday one of my best friends, Ashley comes home from college in California. Dude, you have NO idea how excited to see her. Now we have more time to catch up on boys, college, life and girl stuff. Gahh! This is going to be the BEST christmas break ever!!! -- aside from working 40 hours per week and seeing my WHOLE side of my mom's side on Christmas morning :)

Oh, and did I tell you I don't go back til January 11th?!?! 3 1/2 weeks off baby!!! :D