New Years Resolution

Every year people make the traditional "New Years Resolution." Within those people, only a handful of them REALLY complete their task. (Or that I know of anyway) For the past couple years I have made up my own resolution, and I have not completed one. Go figure. I don't know about you, but I feel that 2011 is going to be a better year than 2010. For 2011, I am going to finally complete my resolution...I swear. I am getting to that age that I can really put more thought into my future and do little things to help my future in some way.

Ok, I'm following the trend...I want to lose weight once and for all. I am tired of the way I look. I want to finally be able to look good and be confident enough to buy a bikini. I'm a 19 year old college freshman and I shouldn't be uncomfortable in my own body when I go out sometimes. I want to look and feel a lot better in general, boost my confidence and not be so self conscious about myself all leading to being a better daughter, girlfriend and sister. I think losing weight will help with my relationship with Brian. Honestly, we both need to lose weight. With the both of us losing weight we would be generally more content and confident. I think it would help with the fighting, also. I hate it when he eats out so much. Ugh. So many calories! I should talk, but I could lose weight, I just need to have self control when it comes to food and work harder at the gym. Its also goes for him. Damn men, why is it that they can lose weight easier than women?!? Grrrr.

Aside from losing weight, I want to cut down on my swearing, control my temper, try harder in school and think before I say things. This also kinda leads from the weight thing, but once I start getting healthier, I think this will help with my misc things like my swearing for example. Lately I've been noticing that it's really not that attractive when I swear...I sound trashy. Brian doesn't even swear that much. I have to admit, I've been getting bad since I moved out last year. Since I'm a college student, I have to really start focusing on my grades. I don't want to fall behind and I don't want to wind up not getting my degree. I really need to start trying a lot harder, darn it. 2011 is going to see a new Sarah Jahraus, just you wait :)

Last but not least, I want to be finacially stable/move out by myself or with Brian. Since corners are getting tight at my mom's house, I am getting mature enough that I can be independent and have a place of my own. Brian isn't so sure if he wants to move in now. I kinda ruined it, but sometimes I feel that I will be taking away his first year of college by moving in with me. I mean, he has bills to pay for, aside from paying for his college himself. He needs to be mature about it and stick it through. Sometimes I feel that he is just not ready to move out. I mean, we would only be dating a year in late April, I/we would move in by July or August. And we're both so young to move in together or moving in general. I know I'm ready for it, but sometimes I feel like he isn't fully. But, we will see how it goes. Take it one day at a time and keep our fingers crossed. We were first thinking about moving into my grandma's basement, then a legit apartment and now we're back to square one. The basement sounds pretty promising. It's cheap and it's a BIG space, I mean HUGE! The carpeting is outdated, but at least the kitchen, bathroom and other appliances works well. My uncle, who is the landowner of the house, hired people to paint and remodel it. It looks a lot better than before, so it works for me :) My mom is going to contact him after the holidays and probably make a deal for next summer. Excited? Yes. A little nervous? Yes. Brian moving in with me? Possibly.

Well, there ya go! I have nothing else to really talk about now, so I'll let this rest for the evening.

Happy Holidays, and have a AWESOME New Year! Maybe a few months from now I can be at least 20 lbs skinnier :)

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

I remember the day you passed away. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, bright eyes laid to rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best.
Put this on your status if there’s someone in Heaven that you miss every day & wish that they could be here for Christmas ~ Dad <3

Dad,
I miss you like crazy.  Throughout this holiday season, I often think about how much life has changed since you've been gone. It's only been about 5 months and so much has changed. I've grown into a more mature young woman, completed my first semester of college and bought a car. I don't know if you're really proud of me and my mistakes I have made since you have passed away. I know with some things you are not very happy with me, but then there are some that I hope make you proud. Next year, I want to make you proud of me more than disappointed. I want to try harder in school, work harder, and enjoy life more. I wish you were here to help and support me as I grow. 

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and I want you to know that I love you and I hope you're in a better place. It's so hard going through the holidays without you. Sometimes I think you will walk right through the door, alive and healthy. Sometimes I can't believe you're gone. And sometimes I don't even want to think about it. It hurts when I see dad's picking up their kids at work. Yet, you have never really picked me up from daycare or anything much when I was little, but it still hurts. I hope to someday make you proud with my accomplishments as I grown into a woman. God, it's so hard to believe you're gone. I often think that this is all a nightmare, and you're out trucking, exploring the US. But I have to wake up and smell the roses....you're never coming back. When I pass by a semi truck, I think of you, hoping you were the one who was driving.

Brian's aunt passed away last weekend...now he knows what it feels like to lose a family member. Today was her funeral....it made me think about your funeral. How much I cried, the stupid family drama, the bitching, and the family in general. Since you've been gone, your family has not been a good family to us, and you know that. I just don't know what to do anymore, dad. I feel like everything's falling apart in my life. I don't know what I want, or what to do. Help me. Look out for me. Please guide me to the right path. 

I have been thinking about your death lately. Well duh. But I remember when I saw you laying on the bathroom floor, motionless. Your face was red. You groaned for help before you collapsed. I can image your body falling in the ground as your heart gave out. The pain, I can never imagine. Why didn't I hear you hit the floor? Why couldn't I been awake to help you? Why? Why?! WHY?!?!?!

Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave us? Leave me? Life was getting better for you. The house was almost done, you were getting a better job opportunity at your job and you were going to find a place for you, me and Matt to live in, just in case. Fuck. My. Life. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I'm numb. I don't know what to do. Take this pain away, please?

....but I guess I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Goodbye Textbooks, Hello Christmas Break!

Well, today was my last day of finals/first semester. WHOO HOO!!! I am done with my first semester of college!!1 I am sooo excited Christmas break is here! I've been needing a break with stress, school, work, family, money and a social life.

To start off my christmas break, I am spending some time with my family and Brian for the most part. Tomorrow I am going over to one of my best friend, Brittney's apartment to chat along with her sister. It will be nice to catch up with the girls.

Friday I'm going over to Brian's for Christmas with his parents. Saturday he takes off to Fargo for the Houser Christmas. I am not going because of space and they are renting a hotel room and him and I cannot sleep in the same bed/room together. Parents will be parents. Oh well, I need a break anyway.

Saturday I am spending some time with my friend Maranda, who's been having a rough time with her boyfriend (now  ex) so it will also be nice to catch up with her and have a little girl time with her when Brian's gone.

Sunday one of my best friends, Ashley comes home from college in California. Dude, you have NO idea how excited to see her. Now we have more time to catch up on boys, college, life and girl stuff. Gahh! This is going to be the BEST christmas break ever!!! -- aside from working 40 hours per week and seeing my WHOLE side of my mom's side on Christmas morning :)

Oh, and did I tell you I don't go back til January 11th?!?! 3 1/2 weeks off baby!!! :D

40 hours

Since wednesday night, Brian and I spent everyday together.

Wednesday: at about 8:00ish, I came over and we watched Disney movies until midnight. [4 hours]

Thursday: he came over that night and watched some movies with my family in the living room...and went to Walmart with Matt and I for some "Black Friday shopping" at midnight! I needed those Rubbermaid 40 piece set for $9! Good deal! [especially since we are moving out next fall] So, Brian went home at about 1 am-ish. [8 hours]

Black Friday: he came over at 8:30 am, brought me coffee [insert smile here :)] and we were out the door by 9 am. We took my dogs to PetSmart with my mom, went to TJMaxx, the mall, took my kitty to the vet for her shots and went to Carinos for soup and salad. We took a nap and just relaxed until my brother and mom came home. Matt and Brian played PS3 and my mom and I were "online brousing" for Christmas presents all night until about 11:30ish. [15 hours! Yay!]

Saturday: he came over at about 1:00 ish and talked to my mom while I wrapped his and Matt's presents frome me. After that, we left for a quick trip to Hobby Lobby, Walmart and went to go see a  movie. [Megamind] We came home, took care of the dogs and relaxed and talked until my family came home for the night. Last night, Matt and Brian are playing PS3 again until 1 am. I love seeing my two men bond :) Ahhh, family :) [12 hours]

Sunday: Today, I don't know what we're doing, probably just going to go shopping for his "outfit" so to speak, for Snoball in 2 weeks. Boy, I'm going to LOVE going back to high school...hahaha, kidding. It's going to be weird, but I'm super excited for it :)

Anyway, I am very happy that Brian did those things with me this weekend, especially on Black Friday. I think it takes a lot of a man to stick to his woman, deal with her tantrums about the croud at the mall, the crazy family with a smile on his face. He must love me a lot :) By the way, I counted the hours...40 hours we spent with eachother this weekend. I know you're thinking that I'm a little crazy, but that means a lot to me.

Thanksgiving

As the weekend comes to a close, I come to think about what I have in life. I have a great boyfriend, a loving family and a safe place to live in. This weekend has really helped me realize what I have in life and how much I sometimes take the things I have for granted. I mean, it's not like I don't totally take things for granted, but sometimes I don't think about how much things affect my life in some way. 

I am grateful for my mom for being there and talking to me about things in my life. Even though we get into a lot of fights, disagreements and arguments, I still love her. She's my mom, I'll always love her no matter how much she makes me mad somedays. We have had a lot of good and bad times, but all in all, the good times make up the bad times for sure. I know she will be there for me in my future, to walk me down the aisle when Brian and I get married, when I give birth to my children, etc. I know she will be there for me thick and thin. When it is her time to go, I know it will be a hard time for me, like my dad. I will have no parents after her time has ran out. That day will be one of the hardest days of my life.

Even though my brother and I don't hang out a lot, he's still my little bro and I love him forever...even though he is "anti-sister" sometimes. I really do wish that we would be closer but I think we will be closer when we get older and have children of our own. He will be a great uncle :) Haha...my kids will LOVE him because he will teach my children to be fearless and to enjoy the little things in life. [aside from my hubby of course] I think Matt and Brian will be good friends later on in life. As I'm writing this blog, I hear the boys yelling and laughing as they are playing COD together. First off, Matt has his own group of friends that he ALWAYS  hangs out with, and with him opening up to Brian makes me feel good :) Matt will be the best man at our wedding, he will for sure be a good brother and do that for me :) Hahaha, love you brother :) Also, with our dad passing away, Matt and I have definaetly gotten a little closer because we had to stick together and get through the funeral and be strong today. I consider him my hero in a way, he has not given up for what he believes in and he always sticks to his guns. I'm proud to be his big sister, forever and ever...no matter how mad I get at him...hahaha.

Dad,

Ever since you left things have not been the same. I don't feel like I belong to your family anymore, nor do I WANT to be a "Jahraus". They're so greedy and so freaking dramatic, it's rediculous. Why did you have to leave so soon? Everything happens for a reason, I tell myself. I am doing fine since you left that day. I don't think I've said "thank you" enough when you were walking this earth.You took me in when mom and I had a fight, you made sure I had a roof over my head and you kept tabs on me as much as you could. I wish you would of been there for me earlier in life, but I don't think about that...I don't like dreading the past. This weekend wasn't the same without you...even though you may not of been off for Thanksgiving, there is no one to text, to ask questions and to talk to you. Sometimes I think about how much I need a dad to talk to and to be there to have my back when things get tough. I wish you would walk through the door, alive, healthy and well. But I need to wake up, realizing you're never coming back. I know you weren't much of an infulence in my life but you're still my dad and I still love you with all my heart. I miss you a lot. 

Your little girl,

Sarah Jean <3

Brian, Brian, Brian. It's amazing how much you make me smile :) Honestly, he's the only thing in my life that keeps me sane. Everyday that we talk/see eachother, all my fears, stresses and negative energy goes away. I am so grateful to have him in my life right now. I know I talk about him a lot, but he seriously means a lot to me and he is my world. I don't know, there's something about him that keeps me loving him. We've known eachother for about 6 years and we've been dating 7 months and 4 days today :) It's amazing when you realize how long you have been with a person...it feels like we've been dating for years since we've known eachother for so long. I really can't wait to move in together next year. Freedom baby! I could spend everyday of my life with him and never get bored of our conversations, the company we have and the love we share with eachother. Ever since my dad died, I really noticed how much he is there for me and how much he cares about me. I love looking into his blue eyes and seeing a lot of love and care for me. He also does a lot for me...like go Black Friday shoping for example. Working our way through the crowd, me "embarassing" him at Walmart at midnight and sticking with me throughout the day with a smile on his face.I know that he will take good care of me in the future. I am truely grateful for having him in my life.

So there ya go! There's my busy weekend! Full of midnight madness, money spending, family time and spending quality time with the boyfriend. I had an awesome weekend...aside from a BUNCH of pumpkin pie and Fresca :) [I need to go back to the gym, I think I gained what I lost...not good] I hope you had a good weekend as I did, bloggers!

Life is good:)

The holidays are not the same without you...

As the holidays get closer and closer, my mom, brother and I have been getting a little sketchy. This will be the first year we will not be able to celebrate the holidays with my dad, especially with football season. We LOVE football, Indianapolis Colts all the way! I've been so busy with school, work and working on my relationship that I honestly forgot about my dad. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I'm starting to tear up now because I have actually thought of it, the impact of him not being present for Thanksgiving tears me apart. No family game day, a day filled with monopoly, yatzee, cheese and crackers and the turkey cooking in the oven. But the most important is FOOTBALL.This was one of those times we sat down as a family and had a good time with no fights, no tears or yelling. Wow. I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since he passed away. That's crazy. He's missed out on a lot, like my first day of college, Matt getting his license back, my first car accident, the newest member of the family; Cali kitty, Matt's first tattoo and so much more. But I do know that he is lookin down on us from heaven, buliding a house for us for when it's our time to meet him in heaven above. The holidays will not be the same without him.

Crap, no more Christmas and New Years "family time" together. Spending time together as a family, playing games, snacking on good stuff, sharing memories, laughs, listening to all kinds of music, staying up late and watching the ball drop for the new year, of course!

Gosh, I miss him a lot. He wasn't really in my life growing up nor in my teenage years, but he was still my dad and he took me in when my mom and I had a fight. [my parents got divorced in 2000, but we still had some family time] He has done a lot for me in the past year that I have actually took him for granted. He was never the kind of person who said "I love you" a lot. The last time he actually said that to me was when I graduated from Mandan High School last spring. [2010] I remember he sent me a text when I was at the Ultimate party, it said, "I love you and I'm proud of you..." He has never said anything like that to me in my whole life, and that meant a LOT to me. I was starting to tear up when I got that text. I'm honestly starting to tear up now just thinking about it.

This is the first Christmas I am not able to get my dad a gift and a card. Today when I was looking at the cards at Walmart to waste some time before work, and I honestly couldn't stand seeing the "dad" cards. This is going to be really hard. This spring when all the stores have those flowers that say "grandma" "aunt" "grandpa" etc that you can put on graves, I will be buying a "dad" one.

This breaks my heart. I'm freaking 19 years old and I lost my dad. I still have the rest of my life ahead of me and I will not have a dad to see his little girl grow up into a young woman. I mean, he will not be there in person when Brian asks my mom for my hand in marriage, to walk me down the aisle to marry Brian, to see his grandchildren be born and watch them grow. They will only have one grandpa, and two grandmas...and great grandmas and grandpas if they are still alive by then. I will only tell them stories of my dad, only having pictures of him, having things I have saved from him. One day it will hit me that my dad is dead. I don't know when it will happen, if it will happen at all. But if and when it does, it's going to hit me hard. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy life, realize he is in a better place and be happy, knowing that he will be proud of me and my plans for the future. For now, I will try to enjoy the holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving, Dad. I love you and miss you a lot. Football season is just not the same without you. Tell Cleo I said hi! [Cleo is my cat that I gew up with. She was 20 years old when she died in January]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

And this is about...

I seriously have the winter blues. This is sad...this is the first real "snow fall" of the year. Great, it's going to be an AWESOME winter. [insert sarcasm] Ugh, I hate winter, especially in ND. God, I hate this place...so much. 4 more years and I'm outta here and I will continue the rest of my life happy and warm. BUT I do have Brian to keep me warm during those cold afternoons. Ah, I love having a boyfriend for the holidays. 7 months today, and boy has the time gone by fast. As some say, 7 months today....forever to go :) I honestly do believe we will make it and we will get married one day. We're moving in together next summer already. Soooo can't wait!

So, Brian and I are on a better page than where we were earlier. If you didn't know, we have had a rough month and a half...not good. A lot of jealously, insecurity, trust, lack of communication, grounding, parents, fighting, arguing, and not being on the same page about our relationship. We are finally back on track and honestly, we're better than ever! That makes me SOOO HAPPY!!! I really hate fighting with him, I really do. I am glad we had last weekend to really patch things up, with talking and just spending some time together. We haven't been able to spend as much time with eachother as we usually do because he got grounded due to grades. Grrr. So a lot of those fights was about the grounding, not being able to talk as much, to see eachother and so on. Everything's back to the way it's supposed to be...finally :)

Along from the positvie future Brian and I think of, there are, of course, doubts. I wonder if he will still want to be with me after we move in together. I mean, I've seen a lot of couples that have been dating for 2+ years that were compatable with eachother, break up. I'm sooo worried that's going to happen to us. I hope not, and I have a good feeling that we will make it, but you never know. Time can change. We both have agreed that we cannot see ourselves with anyone else since we have been together. No boy could replace him, ever. I mean, no one else knows me better than him, and vise versa. It would be hard starting over. I mean, if you've known a person since junior high and have been dating them for 7 months, you don't want to start over. There's so much to tell a person, so much to say over and over again. No, I couldn't do that. I don't think I could ever get over him, he is my first real love. It would be hard even getting over him. It was hard when he broke up with me for 6 days, how can I handle not being his partner...forever? I don't want to think about that. I just need to live everyday to the fullest and not worry about the negatives.

My worst fears in life:

- not being able to have children

- having disabled children

- early death of my husband

- early death for myself

- not being financially stable in my future

Enough of that. Hahahaha :)

Car accident :(

So, as my friend Janelle and I were pulling out of BSC by Schafer Hall after the amazingly funny BSC play, Comic Potential, I saw this guy pulling out in the opposite side of the street, making a U-Turn. I thought he was pulling out and made it behind me until of a sudden BOOM! He hit me. Bastard. I didn't know what was going on, I was numb. I couldn't believe that I had just gotten hit! I've NEVER been in a car accident before, I have a clean record. I saw the driver coming towards me, and I tried to open my door...can't. It's jammed pretty bad I can't even roll down my window. So Janelle and I both get out from the passenger side door, asking eachother if there was anyone hurt. Thank god no one was injured. We called the police and they came within 5-8 minutes. They took all of our driver's license and about a half an hour later, he came back with info for me. He is going to pay for my damage. He is getting a citation for illegal turning. Hahaha. That's what you get! I'm not happy about this at all, I'm just happy I don't have to pay for anything. Ya, ya, ya I know that it wasn't my fault but you have to remember that this was my first accident, and his too actually. He only got a scratch on his right light. He got damn lucky. I consider myself very fortunate and lucky to walk away with no concussions, broken arms or anything else. My head does hurt from a bit of whiplash, same with my back and neck a little bit, but all in all, I believe God's hand was on my vehicle when he hit me. My car is so bent in, another inch or so deeper and it would of hit me.

                                                           Bye bye Dynasty!

What the future has in store for me...

As I take on my day of classes, work, social and facebook life, I always stop and think about what my future has in store for me. I want to be an elementary school teacher with a minor in english when I grow up. I love kids, and I've always seen myself as being a teacher when I grow up. Now that I'm a freshman in college, I'm on my way to making my childhood dream come true. According to my boyfriend, Brian, I have the rest of my life figured out to a science.

Here's my ideal future:

• Get engaged in a year or two
• Finish college with my teachers degree
• Get married (become the new Mrs. Brian Houser ;))
• Establish my career, making final moves, getting house, car, etc.
• Have kids 2 years after getting married (maybe still in the process of the last one)
• ...and the rest is history!

Ta da! My future, by Sarah Jean :p

Anyway, my mom and I were talking about my teaching career, and I was thinking about maybe becoming a therapist....they make a lot of money, ya know! But I don't want or have the ambition to go to school for + 6 years....4 is enough for me. Hahaha. As I was trying to explain to my mother how I think my future would look like, we both came into an agreement that I should do a at home daycare when I have kids. First off, aside from being a teacher, I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But with Brian and I going into teaching, that's not really going to happen, plus I would probably love my job, so why would I want to stay at home all the time? Yes, I would be able to spend quality time with my children, but I would be sooo bored and isolated! I need to have things to do, and Brian's income would not quite cut it. But that doesn't matter. Since Brian and I are both going into Elementary Ed, he will be coaching baseball and hockey (I'm making him for extra money and he's good at it anyway, hahahaha) and I would do nothing, right? Wrong. I want to have my at home daycare during the summer to make the summer go by faster, and the extra money doesn't hurt either ;) It would be small, of course, but $400/month/child with having a teachers degree is the way to go! I'm actually really excited....BUT I keep on telling my mom, "Grandchildren in about 6 years." She's not complaining :) I would be about 24-26 years old when I start having children. I want to have 2 kids by age 30 at the latest.

Have you ever thought so much about your future that you just want to fast forward and just get on with it? I do that a lot, especially lately. I am so excited for my future, it's rediculous. I do get my hopes up too often sometimes, but that's my own fault. It's also a HUGE influence when one of your classes talks about dating, marriage, children, love life and a person's future. It's a good feeling to know that your parter is so dedicated and commited to you that you are POSITIVE you will last forever. Love is a great feeling. I never would of known that at age 19 I would be so in love with a boy, and it's not immature, teenage love. It's a love that we both believe that will last a lifetime. I wish you could understand how I feel about him, it's rediculous. Anway, getting totally off the subject there! My bad, I tend to do that. Well, I better get to bed.

Peace, Love, Happiness :)

"The best teachers teach from the heart, not from the book."  ~Author Unknown