The holidays are not the same without you...

As the holidays get closer and closer, my mom, brother and I have been getting a little sketchy. This will be the first year we will not be able to celebrate the holidays with my dad, especially with football season. We LOVE football, Indianapolis Colts all the way! I've been so busy with school, work and working on my relationship that I honestly forgot about my dad. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I'm starting to tear up now because I have actually thought of it, the impact of him not being present for Thanksgiving tears me apart. No family game day, a day filled with monopoly, yatzee, cheese and crackers and the turkey cooking in the oven. But the most important is FOOTBALL.This was one of those times we sat down as a family and had a good time with no fights, no tears or yelling. Wow. I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since he passed away. That's crazy. He's missed out on a lot, like my first day of college, Matt getting his license back, my first car accident, the newest member of the family; Cali kitty, Matt's first tattoo and so much more. But I do know that he is lookin down on us from heaven, buliding a house for us for when it's our time to meet him in heaven above. The holidays will not be the same without him.

Crap, no more Christmas and New Years "family time" together. Spending time together as a family, playing games, snacking on good stuff, sharing memories, laughs, listening to all kinds of music, staying up late and watching the ball drop for the new year, of course!

Gosh, I miss him a lot. He wasn't really in my life growing up nor in my teenage years, but he was still my dad and he took me in when my mom and I had a fight. [my parents got divorced in 2000, but we still had some family time] He has done a lot for me in the past year that I have actually took him for granted. He was never the kind of person who said "I love you" a lot. The last time he actually said that to me was when I graduated from Mandan High School last spring. [2010] I remember he sent me a text when I was at the Ultimate party, it said, "I love you and I'm proud of you..." He has never said anything like that to me in my whole life, and that meant a LOT to me. I was starting to tear up when I got that text. I'm honestly starting to tear up now just thinking about it.

This is the first Christmas I am not able to get my dad a gift and a card. Today when I was looking at the cards at Walmart to waste some time before work, and I honestly couldn't stand seeing the "dad" cards. This is going to be really hard. This spring when all the stores have those flowers that say "grandma" "aunt" "grandpa" etc that you can put on graves, I will be buying a "dad" one.

This breaks my heart. I'm freaking 19 years old and I lost my dad. I still have the rest of my life ahead of me and I will not have a dad to see his little girl grow up into a young woman. I mean, he will not be there in person when Brian asks my mom for my hand in marriage, to walk me down the aisle to marry Brian, to see his grandchildren be born and watch them grow. They will only have one grandpa, and two grandmas...and great grandmas and grandpas if they are still alive by then. I will only tell them stories of my dad, only having pictures of him, having things I have saved from him. One day it will hit me that my dad is dead. I don't know when it will happen, if it will happen at all. But if and when it does, it's going to hit me hard. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy life, realize he is in a better place and be happy, knowing that he will be proud of me and my plans for the future. For now, I will try to enjoy the holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving, Dad. I love you and miss you a lot. Football season is just not the same without you. Tell Cleo I said hi! [Cleo is my cat that I gew up with. She was 20 years old when she died in January]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!