I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

I remember the day you passed away. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, bright eyes laid to rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best.
Put this on your status if there’s someone in Heaven that you miss every day & wish that they could be here for Christmas ~ Dad <3

Dad,
I miss you like crazy.  Throughout this holiday season, I often think about how much life has changed since you've been gone. It's only been about 5 months and so much has changed. I've grown into a more mature young woman, completed my first semester of college and bought a car. I don't know if you're really proud of me and my mistakes I have made since you have passed away. I know with some things you are not very happy with me, but then there are some that I hope make you proud. Next year, I want to make you proud of me more than disappointed. I want to try harder in school, work harder, and enjoy life more. I wish you were here to help and support me as I grow. 

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and I want you to know that I love you and I hope you're in a better place. It's so hard going through the holidays without you. Sometimes I think you will walk right through the door, alive and healthy. Sometimes I can't believe you're gone. And sometimes I don't even want to think about it. It hurts when I see dad's picking up their kids at work. Yet, you have never really picked me up from daycare or anything much when I was little, but it still hurts. I hope to someday make you proud with my accomplishments as I grown into a woman. God, it's so hard to believe you're gone. I often think that this is all a nightmare, and you're out trucking, exploring the US. But I have to wake up and smell the roses....you're never coming back. When I pass by a semi truck, I think of you, hoping you were the one who was driving.

Brian's aunt passed away last weekend...now he knows what it feels like to lose a family member. Today was her funeral....it made me think about your funeral. How much I cried, the stupid family drama, the bitching, and the family in general. Since you've been gone, your family has not been a good family to us, and you know that. I just don't know what to do anymore, dad. I feel like everything's falling apart in my life. I don't know what I want, or what to do. Help me. Look out for me. Please guide me to the right path. 

I have been thinking about your death lately. Well duh. But I remember when I saw you laying on the bathroom floor, motionless. Your face was red. You groaned for help before you collapsed. I can image your body falling in the ground as your heart gave out. The pain, I can never imagine. Why didn't I hear you hit the floor? Why couldn't I been awake to help you? Why? Why?! WHY?!?!?!

Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave us? Leave me? Life was getting better for you. The house was almost done, you were getting a better job opportunity at your job and you were going to find a place for you, me and Matt to live in, just in case. Fuck. My. Life. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I'm numb. I don't know what to do. Take this pain away, please?

....but I guess I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.