Last night I couldn't sleep at all, thinking about Brian and what we had. It made me so upset, seriously I was constantly crying, begging him to come back to me. I probably only got a good 3 hours of sleep total. This is taking control of my life and I needed some help. I contacted one of my co-workers who I used to work with, Jess. She has gone through a lot in her teenage life, getting pregnant at age 16 with her boyfriend who just left her last fall. They were together for a long time and they moved into their own apartment last summer. I wondered how she coped with losing her boyfriend/baby's daddy.
I needed someone who was mature and who knew what I was going through. Yes, Brian and I didn't have a baby together or moved in, but we were still together for 8 months. During those 8 months we fell in love and wanted to move in together when he gets into college. We were serious about eachother and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with eachother. We even had our future daughter's names picked out. Natalie Jean. We were still debating on the boy. We knew we were meant to be together at the time. But time changed. We both changed. I don't really want to go into full detail on what really went on in our relationship, but in the end, we were not happy. I was devistated when he broke it off with me. We had everything. We were everything I've always wanted us to be. *sigh*
Anyway, I wanted to get some advice from someone else about my situation and how to cope with losing someone you thought wanted to be with you forever. While we were talking, (facebook emailing) she made a lot of sense. First off, I should not of made him my everything. Bad idea. People change. Feelings change. Things change. I need to be strong and not show him my tears. I need to show myself, him and the world that I am happy without him. I don't need him in my life. She has helped me realize that I don't necessarily need him. I love him and I will always love him, but everything happens for a reason. I thought my whole life was ruined because he broke up with me. I was wrong. I feel better and I feel like I can do anything now. It's going to be tough trying to get over him, but we will still be best friends. Deep in my heart, I still believe we are meant to be together. Maybe things will turn around in the end. Maybe we will be back together. I won't hope, wish or dream that we will be together again, I can only live my life day by day.
Girls, don't make your boyfriend your everything. Especailly when you're young. I thought I found the one I've been looking for, but no one's for certain. Live everyday like it's your last day on earth and appreciate everything you have. "You don't know what you have til it's gone."
Everything happens for a reason. Brian and I are going to be friends for now, he says we will still hang out, he will talk to me if I need to talk about anything, and I know he still cares about me enough to not be a total and complete asshole. I'm going to respect the friendship as it is and take it from there. Maybe he wasn't right for me. Maybe we aren't meant to be together. Ok, I need to shutup about him. Either way, I feel better about myself.
Jess and I are going to work out and lose weight together and I am so excited :) I finally have a work out partner PLUS someone who understands what I'm going through and who I'm comfortable talking too about this stuff. (even though Brian and I did work out, all he wanted to do was lift weights and I wanted to do cardio more than weight lifting) Ahhh, life is good :) Things are going to get better for me, I know they will.
Here's a quote one of my best friends sent me today:
"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong do you'll appreciate when things go right. You believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can come together."
:)
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