Silly, stupid love.

Have you ever thought of what could be if things actually went right? In the past 24 hours I have been thinking about the past year and how much I wish that things were different. Okay, so first off...Brian and I talked last night...and yaaa...I'm in trouble. Feelings definaetly came up, thank god I had my counseling session today to get some advice. It's not like I want him back, I just kinda wish things would of been different ya know? I know, I know, this is getting old but I can't help how I feel. No one can. Like who's really going to get over your first "serious" relationship in 9 months...or ever? Ya know? Idk, I'm over him but yet there will always be apart of me that will still want him...for now. I miss the good times we had. We have had plenty of bad times, and I looked back at them today during my session and it made me realize what a terrible person I was to him, as a girlfriend. We both needed to grow up and be apart from eachother. I want to be friends with him but I'm not sure if he wants too. I like new beginnings with old ex's and friends...sometimes they turn out good, and sometimes bad. After the breakup 9 months ago, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky girl that hid her heartbreak. I put a smile on my face when I didn't want to face my pain. I pretended to be happy, broke down a few times then just decided to try to move on. I'm now grieving our lost relationship....9 months later. I tend to skip the grieving part, to show the world that I'm okay and I can deal with it. Then months later, out of the blue it comes down on me like a ton of bricks. What I'm trying to say is that I miss what we had, now that we talked again. A few weeks ago, we both admitted that we were still hurt of what happened in our previous relationship and I thought about that today....how I'm still not completely healed. I honestly feel so dumb about this. I honestly feel so giddy and so vulnerable when we talked...it was rediculious. I didn't know what to do. Obviously I still have feelings for him, he was the best boyfriend I've had so far. I don't want to push anything but I just wish he would understand that I want a fresh start. I think it'll be easier for me if we did hang out once to see if there was that attraction still there, or not. But I'm not going to rush anything. I told him he can text me whenever. I'll let him control this first step...if there is one.

This kinda reminded me of the new episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager that aired on monday (Labor Day) If you have not watched it, just ignore me ahahah. But anyway, Adrian still "loved" Ricky so to speak and said that they would make love again...well as you may know, Ricky is with Amy now. They are living together above the butchershop with their son, John. It's cute :) (Ricky proposed to Amy during graduation, so now they are engaged. yayy!!! ) After graduation, a graduate was having a party at his house. Adrian has already been there, and then here comes Ricky and Amy, newly engaged, and Ricky looks at Adrian and asks her "Did you want something from me?" He winds up kissing her. In front of Amy and the party. WOW!!!! But, Amy allowed it because Adrian said that one more kiss and she would be "free" of him forever and she will officially move on for good. And she's now officially over him because they kissed one more time. Now, in the end, Grace and Jack recently dated and Jack still loves her, but she doesn't show that she still loves him, even though you KNOW she does! So, Jack says, "Do you really believe that? That you could be over someone with a kiss?" And they wind up kissing....and obviously they still love eachother (they're like perfect for eachother!) Okay, so this kinda relates to real life. Can someone really be over their ex after one last kiss? One may never know, I don't think I will hahaha. But if we were together...if we wouldn't of broken up, idk what would be happening...probably almost engaged. hahahahahahahahaha! Not. Well, maybe. I kinda wish things were different, but yet I have learned so much from our relationship and breakup. I've grown alot as a young adult in the past 9 months. Your boyfriend is not everything. But who knows, maybe we'll just be good friends again, I hope so.

I wish my dad was here. I hope he's proud of me. I have a very good job. I'm in school. I support myself. I have no boyfriends ahhahaha. And my mother and I have not faught in like 2 months. I hope he's proud of me, I really hope so. My world would be so much better if he was here with us.