Why hello there, stranger!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Been really busy with school, work, family, working out and trying to make everything work out. Ugh. Why is life so damn complicated? Seriously, can't one thing go right? I'll explain in the next few paragraphs.

MY CAR: Transmission died. Took it to the shop and it would of cost at least $2,500 + labor. Great. So, I talked to my mom and uncle about it and what I should do. I bought my car from my uncle so I pretty much took his advice, and he said that it wasn't worth the new transmission. My mom agreed. I didn't even like my car that much, ya it was nice that it had leather seats, cd player, sun roof and it was a luxury car...but just not for me. I had it for 3/4 months, paid $1,500 for it. It was origianally $2,500, I was going to pay the rest of the $1,000 when I had the money. (This was when I got into that car accident in October) So, it's $1,500 for 3 months...not worth it. But whatever, it happens. Shit happens. So, right now I am car-less. My mom and brother drive me to school and work monday thru friday. It sucks. Not only for them, but for me too. I hate it that I can't go to the gym, go for a quick drive...I miss my freedom I had when I had a vehicle. Ugh. So, I'm car shopping for now. Stressed with that, money and the car situation in general. FML.

Brian and I have gotten better, off and on fighting but it's over within like 5 minutes. I seriously thought he was going to come back and try again with our relationship. I didn't give up. We hung out a few times and they were fun. We talked, laughed, flirted, and just relaxed with eachother. It was nice having a few "one-on-one time" with eachtoher without fighting. It was actually only about 3 times that we faught in the past 2 weeks. Big improvment, but not quite there yet. Stupid boys. Why do they have to play with your heart? He said that he missed me, he wanted "us" back, wanted me back; but he enjoys the single life. Whatever. At first I seriously didn't know what to do. The more time we talked and spent time together, the more confused I got. I mean, I missed him one day, then the next I really don't. I missed us more than I missed him, I thought. Just the way we act around eachother seemed like it wasn't officially over. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. Right now, we're not talking to eachother. We both need some space from eachother for a while. I think we just get so caught up with our emotions when we talk and hang out that we just need some time to think and do things for ourselves. At first, I was determined to get him back, to prove to him what he's missing. Now, I really don't give a crap. I'm so done with my mixed emotions, him pulling at my heart strings and him just being him. Either way, we both need to grow up a little bit. I listen to a song everyday to keep me going, it's called "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. My favorite song right now. It keeps me going, realizing that I CAN make it through this emotional roller coaster. It totally speaks the words I cannot admit or say. I don't deserve him, I've done enough, giving him everything I had.

Well, I honestly can't think for myself right now so I'm going to relax in my bed and get some shut eye. Here's the video of Sara Evan's, A Little Bit Stronger. Enjoy! :)

So...

Today was the first FULL day of class. Alarm is set for 6:00 am, I wake up at 8:30. My first class starts at 8:00 am. Great. First day of class and I miss it. Awesome, thanks alarm clock! Intro to Sociology at 8 am, slept in on accident. College Algebra at 9 am, homework. English 120 at 10 am, homework. Speech at 11 am, homework. Great. Just great. Homework on the first day. Fabulous. BUT I don't have speech class on friday, and no classes on monday, YES!! At least work went well afterwords though :)

So, after feeding babies, changing dirty diapers, work went well. I LOVE working in the baby room. Less stress for me that's for sure. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I work at a daycare in Bismarck. During Christmas break I was the "maid" so to speak. I cooked, cleaned, prepared snacks, filled in when we are short on staff and cleaned again. I got moved to the baby room the beginning of the year. So, instead of cleaning after toddlers and preschoolers, I pick up poop, spit up, and feed them. I love it. The infants are from 6 weeks - 12 months. The youngest infant we have is 3 months, and my personal favorite, Olivia. (Aside form my other favorite infant, Kailynn) So, overall, work was good. We have a pair of twin girls, Kristen and Kendall. They are so funny and the toughest little girls I know. They are 10 months. Dylan (don't know how old he is) is the cutest baby boy there. He is the twins' boyfriend haha ;) All the babies make my day and make work fun even though they can be a pain at times. But, I love it :) I love my job :)

Ever since Brian and I broke up, we have not been on good terms for the past week. He was constantly yelling at me, calling me a "liar, cheater, a hypocrit and a bitch" ~ in his words. Pretty much making me feel like shit. I was so fed up with the texting, I told him that we needed to talk asap. I went to his work tonight and we talked from like 5:45 - 9 ish. We had a very nice talk. Thank god no one was at his work wanting to skate. (He works for the Parks and Rec after school program and Southside; an outside ice skating rink by the football field/tennis courts here in Mandan) Later we went to DQ and had some ice cream. It was really nice to talk to him in person about things. I felt like we understood eachother more than we did. We still have a ways to go, but this is a good step to a better place than we are now. I was hoping that he was going to miss me, but I was wrong. I looked into his eyes, and knew he wasnt 100% happy. I know he's content being single, and honestly, I think I am too. But there's something about him that's not all there...I don't know what it is, but I want to find out someday. Maybe not now, but someday I will know. Maybe he does miss what we had and he won't admit it. Maybe he's thinking too much/too little about his friends and how much they influence him. I don't know. Ugh. Whatever. He did admit that he wishes we would hang out...so I think that's a good thing :) Or at least I hope so. I don't know what will happen in the future, I will just have to live in the present and not worry about the past or the future. Right now, we will remain friends. I think we both need to get through some healing. Maybe  we aren't meant to be together, maybe we're better off this way. Things will turn around for us, somehow, someway. If we're together or as friends, things will turn around with us. Everything happens for a reason.

I need to do homework tomorrow night...great. Math should be easy and English shouldn't take that long. My Speech work will get done during the weekend since it is not due til next wednseday.

Have a great rest of the week!

No comment.

"I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest nor do I have the perfect body. I may not be someone's 1st choice but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not because I'm good at being me. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. Take me as I am or watch me walk away."

Stay strong, Sarah, stay strong. No matter how much it hurts, keep smiling. Don't show them how you really feel, they will only know you're vulnerable. You're not vulnerable. You don't need a man to be by your side. You're a strong, independent, beautiful young woman who has a lot to offer a man. Such as love, support, passion, sensitivity, trust, honesty, a spunky spirit and a great personality. Make choices for you instead of others, put yourself first for once and look past all the haters. Everybody fights. Everybody makes mistakes. You made yours, he's made his. You image your love life as "The Notebook" novel. Losing the one you love all because of a stupid fight. Stupidity. Ignorance. No communication. Love lost...maybe forever. Maybe not. I do know that what we had was real. I'll always remember how we would laugh together, live life together and fall in love together. Stop thinking about it. It's over. Can't you see that? I know you still don't think it's over...but for now it is. Mom does still think you're together forever but no one knows the future. You've already grown up from your mistakes. You've done everything you could, now it's up to him. If he doesn't see that you have grown from your mistakes, he's not worth it. He's dumb for not seeing it, but someday some guy will. Just know that you tried and everything happens for a reason, good or bad. And that all good things come to an end...(or so they say)

Always remember: Live, laugh, love every single day. Stay strong, stay true.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; If they don’t they never were."

Last night I couldn't sleep at all, thinking about Brian and what we had. It made me so upset, seriously I was constantly crying, begging him to come back to me. I probably only got a good 3 hours of sleep total. This is taking control of my life and I needed some help. I contacted one of my co-workers who I used to work with, Jess. She has gone through a lot in her teenage life, getting pregnant at age 16 with her boyfriend who just left her last fall. They were together for a long time and they moved into their own apartment last summer. I wondered how she coped with losing her boyfriend/baby's daddy.

I needed someone who was mature and who knew what I was going through. Yes, Brian and I didn't have a baby together or moved in, but we were still together for 8 months. During those 8 months we fell in love and wanted to move in together when he gets into college. We were serious about eachother and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with eachother. We even had our future daughter's names picked out. Natalie Jean. We were still debating on the boy. We knew we were meant to be together at the time. But time changed. We both changed. I don't really want to go into full detail on what really went on in our relationship, but in the end, we were not happy. I was devistated when he broke it off with me. We had everything. We were everything I've always wanted us to be. *sigh*

Anyway, I wanted to get some advice from someone else about my situation and how to cope with losing someone you thought wanted to be with you forever. While we were talking, (facebook emailing) she made a lot of sense. First off, I should not of made him my everything. Bad idea. People change. Feelings change. Things change. I need to be strong and not show him my tears. I need to show myself, him and the world that I am happy without him. I don't need him in my life. She has helped me realize that I don't necessarily need him. I love him and I will always love him, but everything happens for a reason. I thought my whole life was ruined because he broke up with me. I was wrong. I feel better and I feel like I can do anything now. It's going to be tough trying to get over him, but we will still be best friends. Deep in my heart, I still believe we are meant to be together. Maybe things will turn around in the end. Maybe we will be back together. I won't hope, wish or dream that we will be together again, I can only live my life day by day.

Girls, don't make your boyfriend your everything. Especailly when you're young. I thought I found the one I've been looking for, but no one's for certain. Live everyday like it's your last day on earth and appreciate everything you have. "You don't know what you have til it's gone."

Everything happens for a reason. Brian and I are going to be friends for now, he says we will still hang out, he will talk to me if I need to talk about anything, and I know he still cares about me enough to not be a total and complete asshole. I'm going to respect the friendship as it is and take it from there. Maybe he wasn't right for me. Maybe we aren't meant to be together. Ok, I need to shutup about him. Either way, I feel better about myself.

Jess and I are going to work out and lose weight together and I am so excited :) I finally have a work out partner PLUS someone who understands what I'm going through and who I'm comfortable talking too about this stuff. (even though Brian and I did work out, all he wanted to do was lift weights and I wanted to do cardio more than weight lifting) Ahhh, life is good :) Things are going to get better for me, I know they will.

Here's a quote one of my best friends sent me today:

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong do you'll appreciate when things go right. You believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can come together."

:)

Happy Frickin New Year

Ok, maybe that was a little strong...Happy New Year, hope you enjoyed your New Years Eve and hope 2011 will be a better year than 2010.

Now, it's ranting time. I'm single. What a way to start the new year, huh? Brian broke up with me because neither of us are happy enough to make it throught the relationship. This week we took a break, hoping it would be for the better, and it ended up breaking us up. Fuck. My. Life. Why did I not have the ability to see this coming? Ugh...I just don't know what to say right now...my whole world just walked out of my life as my boyfriend. 8 months...wasted. We will still be best friends, but I hope we are more than friends later on in life. I hope he comes back to me soon...no one will EVER replace him. He was my first love. Shit. I don't know what to do. Fuck. UGHHH!!!! WHY ME?!?! WHY THE 1ST OF THE YEAR?!!?! :(