Life can only defeat you if you let it

In the past few months I have learned a lot. About myself, others, family, friends and my past. I've learned that it's hard to get over something/someone if it/they meant a lot to you. Life's not easy. Sometimes people take the easy way out and end their life. Let's face it, life is hard. Paying bills, school, heartbreaks, depression, love, friends, family, etc. sucks. It all sucks. Well, a few months ago, I had this set in my mind that life sucked. And honestly, it really doesn't. Life can only defeat you if you let it.

I've let life defeat me. I gave up on everything and everyone. Not anymore. I had a wake up call that has changed/helped me for the better. I've realized a lot. And I didn't have a councelor to help me think that way, I did it myself. Life is short, so live it up. Do something you've never done before, be different, be unique, be yourself. Honestly, I'm quite embarassing to be around sometimes. I'm loud, crazy, bright, obnoxious, stubborn, clumpsy and just overall a weird person. But I like that. It's who I am. And I like me. A lot actually. Some may not but I sure do enjoy myself sometimes.

So, here's the latest update:

Brian and I started talking again. Memories have definaetly been popping up often. I miss it. I miss him. I miss what we used to have. Or do I? Am I making myself feel bad? No one really knows I guess. Well, I kinda miss him. Not like I miss him so much that I'll cry or anything. But missing someone isn't bad...is it? I don't know...but oh well. I'll move on eventually. He is taken so nothing said could change anything.  But honestly, I'm very content single. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I know that I can't handle it. I need time. Lots of time.

I tried a long distance relationship for the first time: FAIL! It's not for me. I need/want to be close to someone, not 4 hours away. It did teach me a lot though. Brian and I were ALWAYS together at the end/middle of our relationship. We never really hung out with our other friends or had girl/guy time. The long distance relationship made me realize that you don't need your partner 24/7. He doesn't need to be there for you just to give you a hug. A person needs to be a little independent in a relationship. I know I'm a very emotional person, but I've gone too far most times. I've definaetly learned to not get your hopes up or put that person on a pedistool. Not good. I did that with Brian and I demanded wayyy too much out of him. And that's not right. I know that I'm not perfect, so why should my boyfriend be? I'm honestly a real complicated person to deal with sometimes. I don't always say/ask for what I want nor talk about what I want, so why should my partner? I'm far from perfect, it's crazy. Like I know that no one is perfect, but I tend to think that way sometimes...that's bad :(

I pretty much have a new bedroom. I have a new mattress, bed, dresser, and a flat screen with possible Netflix. I'm realllly excited.

I miss my dad. Like a lot. I think about him everyday. I know I've probably said that before but it's true. I got my first tattoo. I'm proud of myself! I'm also going to make a little memorial for my dad in my room...I got a little wall thing at Hallmark that says; "Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what if meant to lose you no one will ever know" and I will have a picture of him right beside it. I'm realllly excited to put it up this weekend! :)

Theee tattoo!!! It looks better in person....




RANDOM THOUGHT:
I've been thinking about my future...and how it's not going to be according to your "plan" so...I'm not planning on getting married and or have kids til I'm 30. HAHAHAHAHAHA! My mother doesn't like the idea, but I think it's kinda funny :p

Have a GREAT day! :)

No boyfriend zone.

I've recently found out who I really am. I've personally been struggling with myself, self esteem and my social life. I always wanted to be around boys and stuff..and really, I enjoy having guy friends because they don't cause uneccesary drama but do I want to be more than friends with them(him)? Not sure. Recently in my life I've gotten myself into my first long distance relationship...we broke up withing 2 weeks. At first I thought it would be good for me because my last relationship we never had space between eachother. It's the point of trusting him that really bothered me. I mean it was good and I learned a lot from those 2 weeks. I've noticed that I will litterly making myself miserable. I was constantly putting myself down and making myself feel like shit. Well, obviously that's not cool. I'm generally a confident person. I am compfortable about myself and I always have a sense of self wellness.

I've really realized that I don't need a man/boyfriend in my life. I actually LOVE being single. I can talk to boys all I want and have no self guilt about talking to them...even though we are just friends. I love having NO drama in my life. I'm too busy having fun with my friends and family that I don't necessarily want or need someone to make me "happy." At first I felt like I did need a guy to make me happy, but in reality I really dont. Yes, it is nice to get flowers, cards, a nice dinner or something cute like that from a boyfriend, but honestly, I've been told that by my guy friends that I'm beautiful, I deserve someone better, amazing...etc. That's all I need. And actually, I need myself right now than a boyfriend. Who needs boys? Sarah Jahraus doesn't right now! :)

Now here's the hard part...my dad. God, I feel like it gets harder and harder as time passes. I can't believe it'll be a year in July. I wish I had my dad here to help me...I mean I have my mom but it's also nice to have a second opinion on my questions about life, love and the future. I miss him so much. There is not one day that I don't think about him. Everytime something reminds me of him or if I talk/hear about him I get so depressed and start crying. I think I need counceling or something. I don't know. Ugh, I wish I knew what I needed to get through this..to get though everything.

Daddy, I love you and I miss you like crazy. Here's a song that reminds me of you, and that you are here with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEP5sWuDi8

Odds and ends...

As I'm here thinking about life, lately I've realized what I love and hate about life, people, things, etc. Enjoy. haha

LOVE:
daisies
summer
sunshine
the river
honesty
meeting new people
being crazy
roadtrips
experiencing something new
cuddling
yellow
music
late nights
late night shopping
hoodies
yoga pants
shopping, of course
chocolate dipped peanut butter granola bars
babies
taking long, hot showers
sleeping next to someone
long walks
payday
hockey

~~~~~~~~~~~~

HATE:
lies/being lied too
winter
fakes
cheaters
drunks
hypocrites
judgmental people
laziness
not having enough money
vaccuuming
not enough hours in the day
homework
bitchy, rude people
dog hair on my clothes
boredome
being ignored
being woken up
not being able to contact someone in certain situations
paying taxes
guys who use girls for sex


Make one yourself, now. See how many things you can come up with.

My life be like ohh ahh!

It's been a month since I've written...been busy with school, work, friends and having enough "me time." I've met new people that now have an impact on my life right now. I've realized that its a doggy dog world out there and everyone's going to end up hurt and disappointed.

School's going well. Almost done with my first semester of college...WHOOP WHOOP! I've changed my major like three times this year, but I have time so it's okayyy. I really want to be a stay at home mom when I grow up. I want to complete my degree in counceling then be a stay at home mom. Well, that's my dream anyway. Since I've been working in the infant room, I've learned so much about infants. Their developement, social life, food, their surroundings and how they grow. I want the best for my kids, but who doesn't? I want to marry a guy who has a good career that I can stay at home with my kid(s). I want to be there for my baby's first steps, crawl, first words, when they start eating table food, etc. But we'll see what God has in store for me. But until then, I will keep taking care of my babies at work :)

Summer cannot come sooner! I'm so sick and tired of winter! Ughh! At least it's almost over with...thank god. I miss the sunshine. In June, my mom and I are going to drive to Colorado for her animal massage class. I'm sooo excited! I haven't really gotten away from North Dakota since I went to Kansas in 2006. So, I'm reallly excited to experience Colorado and it's beauties. Now, this summer is a big summer for me. I'm planning to move out. I want to live by myself but it would be nice to have a roomate. So, my friend Ivy and I are going to move in together. We'll see how that works out..depends on my money situation really. But either way I'm looking forward to moving out, having my own space. I really want to go see Lady Antebellum at the state fair this summer...but we'll see. This summer I turn 20...holy shit I'm old :/
But I'm kind of excited about it....closer to 21 ;) haha. My summer plans also hopefully consist of going to grand forks/fargo for a roadtrip. I have a friend who live in grand forks...and we just might be dating soooo why wouldnt I go up there? :p haha

Sorry if my blog is kinda sloppy, my mind is going 100 mph right now.

This is me, take me or leave me.

"I have curves, so im fat. If I wear makeup, I'm fake. If I like to get dressed up, I'm a hoochie. If I say what i think, I'm a bitch. If I cry sometimes, I'm a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I'm a slut. If I stand up for myself, I'm mouthy. Seems like you can't do anything now a days without being labeled.. So what, go ahead and ...label me, see if I give a shit."

Okay, I'm a little bit of a facebook fanitic and what I find there. But this "post" really opened my eyes to realize what's really going on in my life...that I am me, and I love myself (not in that self absorbed way) Lately I've been realizing who I really am. I've realized that I am tempermental, emotional, bitch that cannot control what she says or does sometimes. Hahaha, ok, maybe that was a little rough but I think you get my drift. Personally, I didn't really give a damn if I loved myself or not, or realized much about myself. Yes I knew some things about myself but lately I've been getting deeper. I've come to the conclusion that I love myself. I am a confident, beautiful, smart, funny, strong young woman that is going through a lot lately. It's been hard dealing with things...realizing that I'm not happy with life, I need counceling, money is always an issue, school, switching my degree and dealing with Brian.

Welllll, an update on the ex boyfriend...he has a new girlfriend already. A month and a half of being broken up from a 8 month relationship and he has a new girlfriend. Wow. I know and understand that it's his life, but seriously what the hell is wrong with you? You're so confused and you don't know what you want! Sorry, I get a little carried away with this subject. It really urks me. But whatever. He broke 2 hearts already in the past month and a half, he can keep on going breaking hearts if that's what floats his boat. He broke mine and his prom date's heart. She thought he liked her, because she liked him...yada, yada, yada...and the day he told her that he has a new girlfriend and that they were going to go to prom together, she was so hurt and pissed. He honestly doesn't know what he's really doing. I personally think that a person needs to take some time to heal or really think about things...like dating again for example. But that's just me. He says he's so over me and everything but why does he act so weird when we talk about the good times we had? He's really confusing, but whatever. He jumped into a relationship too quick I think, for her to take away his confusion maybe...I don't know. I really want to say that "I don't care" but then I would be lying to myself. I care but yet at the same time I really don't...but I don't a whole lot. Like I still care about him and I don't want to see him hurt but at the same time he can do what he wants to do. It's his life. Not mine. I'm done, just done. I've tried my best to make our situation easier and better for the both of us, and he doens't even give a damn..it's like he's motionless. Someday, he'll think about all the good times we had and he will start to miss it again. If he comes to his senses someday and realizes what he had with me was the best he's had...and if he wants it back...I'm probably just going to laugh and reject him because I will be over him and I will have moved on. I gave him everything I could, but it just wasn't meant to be probably. He'll think about it later on...I know he will. He just wont' admit it now because he's in his own little world. He plans on moving out and living in an apartment with his friends this fall and take a year off of college, so hopefully he'll grow up a little bit...and I will have been taking counceling to control some of my issues. Everything will be better. I know it.

So, enough about him, I've been talking to a lot of friends and trying to keep myself busy. During the week I keep myself busy with school and homework and on the weekends, I try my best to stay busy and occupied. Friday night was an off night...I had an emotional attack. It was a short one, but I cried and screamed and was just so frusterated with life I had to let it out. I was upset because my dad is dead, Brian and I aren't together, which leads to finding boys to hang out with, and just myself in general. It was a bad 5 minutes, but I made it through and I was better after that little spaz of emotions. I've been talking to a lot of my girlfriends who are actually going through pretty much the same thing as I am. Losing boyfriend, fighting with emotions, dealing with "new girlfrineds" or girls in general, depression and just not being happy with the situation we are all in. I have 2 of my friends that are going through that....and I know many others that are going through the same thing too. I've been talking to these two ladies for the past week and it's made me feel better in general because we all understand what eachother means and feels. It's awesome but at the same time, it's sad. It's awesome because like I said, we have eachother, but it's sad because it's happening to them also...it's all because of our younger, immature boyfriends that walked out on us. We gave them everything we could, talked to them, supported them, made sure the relationship was under control...yes we all have to control our rage of anger but that's one thing we can work on. It's just hard knowing that this isn't just happening to me. It's happening to a lot of girls that I dont' even know.

I just had a thought when I was typing this...since I want to be a councelor when I grow up, I want to have maybe a "talk session" when girls like me are going through the same thing talk about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions about their guys. I can see it so perfectly in my head...like every tuesday or something we can all get together and talk and do some exercises to help eachother out. I really want to help people, especially when it comes to people who are going through the same thing. I wish I had a better house so I could make this into a possible "talk session" Hmmm...maybe if I talk to the library and have it in the conference room...hmmmm...ideas, ideas. I hope to have my own space/apartment in the fall so it would definaetly work better then...but I kinda want to get started NOW. Hhaahha...I'll think about it and I'lll let people know.

Well, I better go and get myself ready for the day.
If you or anyone has any suggestions please contact me :)

It's been a while...

Here's an update on my life: Brian and I have been on good terms, been hanging out a lot lately. We both missed the closeness that we shared with eachother when we were dating, but nothing's going to change with us. He's going to ask a girl out soon. We're done, over with. I feel that he's such an ass for wanting to be in a relationship a month and a half we break up from a 8 month relationship. Whatever, I'm not going to let it get to me anymore. I'm done trying to make him relaize what he's missing out on and how much I miss having him around as my boyfriend. I'm done. Just done. My feelings for him has definaetly been noticeable whenever we would hang out. It didn't affect me as much lately because I have gotten myself so upset that I honestly couldnt feel anything towards him...til we legitly hung out and acting like a couple made me think of how much it hurts to see him happy without me. I've gotten a lot of mixed emotions/vibes from him. One minute he looks like he wants to get back together with me, and the next he doesn't want anything from me.

After a month and a half of mixed emotions, feelings and bad vibes, I've officially just given up on him. I talked to my good friend, Ashley last night after I came back from the gym. She really encouraged me to try to move on, it's better said than done, and it will take time but I can do it. He was not the one for me. There was a lot going on in our relationship in the last 4 months before we broke up. A lot of fighting. We were both tired of it. I just have to reallly accept that it's over. It will be a little hard on me when he gets his new girlfriend in the beginning, but it will also help me. It will help me to back off since he's busy with her and make me relax and do things that I want to do. I need to make time for myself, hang out with friends and keep myself busy. It will be a struggle, but I can do it. Like she said, it will take time, it's not easy getting over a person who treated you the way you wanted to be treated, who made you feel alive, happy, and who loved you for you.

Anyway, I'm gonna go and enjoy the day. It's going to be 40 above today and I'm going to take advantage of it :)

Why hello there, stranger!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Been really busy with school, work, family, working out and trying to make everything work out. Ugh. Why is life so damn complicated? Seriously, can't one thing go right? I'll explain in the next few paragraphs.

MY CAR: Transmission died. Took it to the shop and it would of cost at least $2,500 + labor. Great. So, I talked to my mom and uncle about it and what I should do. I bought my car from my uncle so I pretty much took his advice, and he said that it wasn't worth the new transmission. My mom agreed. I didn't even like my car that much, ya it was nice that it had leather seats, cd player, sun roof and it was a luxury car...but just not for me. I had it for 3/4 months, paid $1,500 for it. It was origianally $2,500, I was going to pay the rest of the $1,000 when I had the money. (This was when I got into that car accident in October) So, it's $1,500 for 3 months...not worth it. But whatever, it happens. Shit happens. So, right now I am car-less. My mom and brother drive me to school and work monday thru friday. It sucks. Not only for them, but for me too. I hate it that I can't go to the gym, go for a quick drive...I miss my freedom I had when I had a vehicle. Ugh. So, I'm car shopping for now. Stressed with that, money and the car situation in general. FML.

Brian and I have gotten better, off and on fighting but it's over within like 5 minutes. I seriously thought he was going to come back and try again with our relationship. I didn't give up. We hung out a few times and they were fun. We talked, laughed, flirted, and just relaxed with eachother. It was nice having a few "one-on-one time" with eachtoher without fighting. It was actually only about 3 times that we faught in the past 2 weeks. Big improvment, but not quite there yet. Stupid boys. Why do they have to play with your heart? He said that he missed me, he wanted "us" back, wanted me back; but he enjoys the single life. Whatever. At first I seriously didn't know what to do. The more time we talked and spent time together, the more confused I got. I mean, I missed him one day, then the next I really don't. I missed us more than I missed him, I thought. Just the way we act around eachother seemed like it wasn't officially over. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. Right now, we're not talking to eachother. We both need some space from eachother for a while. I think we just get so caught up with our emotions when we talk and hang out that we just need some time to think and do things for ourselves. At first, I was determined to get him back, to prove to him what he's missing. Now, I really don't give a crap. I'm so done with my mixed emotions, him pulling at my heart strings and him just being him. Either way, we both need to grow up a little bit. I listen to a song everyday to keep me going, it's called "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. My favorite song right now. It keeps me going, realizing that I CAN make it through this emotional roller coaster. It totally speaks the words I cannot admit or say. I don't deserve him, I've done enough, giving him everything I had.

Well, I honestly can't think for myself right now so I'm going to relax in my bed and get some shut eye. Here's the video of Sara Evan's, A Little Bit Stronger. Enjoy! :)