So...

Today was the first FULL day of class. Alarm is set for 6:00 am, I wake up at 8:30. My first class starts at 8:00 am. Great. First day of class and I miss it. Awesome, thanks alarm clock! Intro to Sociology at 8 am, slept in on accident. College Algebra at 9 am, homework. English 120 at 10 am, homework. Speech at 11 am, homework. Great. Just great. Homework on the first day. Fabulous. BUT I don't have speech class on friday, and no classes on monday, YES!! At least work went well afterwords though :)

So, after feeding babies, changing dirty diapers, work went well. I LOVE working in the baby room. Less stress for me that's for sure. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I work at a daycare in Bismarck. During Christmas break I was the "maid" so to speak. I cooked, cleaned, prepared snacks, filled in when we are short on staff and cleaned again. I got moved to the baby room the beginning of the year. So, instead of cleaning after toddlers and preschoolers, I pick up poop, spit up, and feed them. I love it. The infants are from 6 weeks - 12 months. The youngest infant we have is 3 months, and my personal favorite, Olivia. (Aside form my other favorite infant, Kailynn) So, overall, work was good. We have a pair of twin girls, Kristen and Kendall. They are so funny and the toughest little girls I know. They are 10 months. Dylan (don't know how old he is) is the cutest baby boy there. He is the twins' boyfriend haha ;) All the babies make my day and make work fun even though they can be a pain at times. But, I love it :) I love my job :)

Ever since Brian and I broke up, we have not been on good terms for the past week. He was constantly yelling at me, calling me a "liar, cheater, a hypocrit and a bitch" ~ in his words. Pretty much making me feel like shit. I was so fed up with the texting, I told him that we needed to talk asap. I went to his work tonight and we talked from like 5:45 - 9 ish. We had a very nice talk. Thank god no one was at his work wanting to skate. (He works for the Parks and Rec after school program and Southside; an outside ice skating rink by the football field/tennis courts here in Mandan) Later we went to DQ and had some ice cream. It was really nice to talk to him in person about things. I felt like we understood eachother more than we did. We still have a ways to go, but this is a good step to a better place than we are now. I was hoping that he was going to miss me, but I was wrong. I looked into his eyes, and knew he wasnt 100% happy. I know he's content being single, and honestly, I think I am too. But there's something about him that's not all there...I don't know what it is, but I want to find out someday. Maybe not now, but someday I will know. Maybe he does miss what we had and he won't admit it. Maybe he's thinking too much/too little about his friends and how much they influence him. I don't know. Ugh. Whatever. He did admit that he wishes we would hang out...so I think that's a good thing :) Or at least I hope so. I don't know what will happen in the future, I will just have to live in the present and not worry about the past or the future. Right now, we will remain friends. I think we both need to get through some healing. Maybe  we aren't meant to be together, maybe we're better off this way. Things will turn around for us, somehow, someway. If we're together or as friends, things will turn around with us. Everything happens for a reason.

I need to do homework tomorrow night...great. Math should be easy and English shouldn't take that long. My Speech work will get done during the weekend since it is not due til next wednseday.

Have a great rest of the week!

No comment.

"I may not be the most beautiful or the sexiest nor do I have the perfect body. I may not be someone's 1st choice but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not because I'm good at being me. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. Take me as I am or watch me walk away."

Stay strong, Sarah, stay strong. No matter how much it hurts, keep smiling. Don't show them how you really feel, they will only know you're vulnerable. You're not vulnerable. You don't need a man to be by your side. You're a strong, independent, beautiful young woman who has a lot to offer a man. Such as love, support, passion, sensitivity, trust, honesty, a spunky spirit and a great personality. Make choices for you instead of others, put yourself first for once and look past all the haters. Everybody fights. Everybody makes mistakes. You made yours, he's made his. You image your love life as "The Notebook" novel. Losing the one you love all because of a stupid fight. Stupidity. Ignorance. No communication. Love lost...maybe forever. Maybe not. I do know that what we had was real. I'll always remember how we would laugh together, live life together and fall in love together. Stop thinking about it. It's over. Can't you see that? I know you still don't think it's over...but for now it is. Mom does still think you're together forever but no one knows the future. You've already grown up from your mistakes. You've done everything you could, now it's up to him. If he doesn't see that you have grown from your mistakes, he's not worth it. He's dumb for not seeing it, but someday some guy will. Just know that you tried and everything happens for a reason, good or bad. And that all good things come to an end...(or so they say)

Always remember: Live, laugh, love every single day. Stay strong, stay true.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; If they don’t they never were."

Last night I couldn't sleep at all, thinking about Brian and what we had. It made me so upset, seriously I was constantly crying, begging him to come back to me. I probably only got a good 3 hours of sleep total. This is taking control of my life and I needed some help. I contacted one of my co-workers who I used to work with, Jess. She has gone through a lot in her teenage life, getting pregnant at age 16 with her boyfriend who just left her last fall. They were together for a long time and they moved into their own apartment last summer. I wondered how she coped with losing her boyfriend/baby's daddy.

I needed someone who was mature and who knew what I was going through. Yes, Brian and I didn't have a baby together or moved in, but we were still together for 8 months. During those 8 months we fell in love and wanted to move in together when he gets into college. We were serious about eachother and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with eachother. We even had our future daughter's names picked out. Natalie Jean. We were still debating on the boy. We knew we were meant to be together at the time. But time changed. We both changed. I don't really want to go into full detail on what really went on in our relationship, but in the end, we were not happy. I was devistated when he broke it off with me. We had everything. We were everything I've always wanted us to be. *sigh*

Anyway, I wanted to get some advice from someone else about my situation and how to cope with losing someone you thought wanted to be with you forever. While we were talking, (facebook emailing) she made a lot of sense. First off, I should not of made him my everything. Bad idea. People change. Feelings change. Things change. I need to be strong and not show him my tears. I need to show myself, him and the world that I am happy without him. I don't need him in my life. She has helped me realize that I don't necessarily need him. I love him and I will always love him, but everything happens for a reason. I thought my whole life was ruined because he broke up with me. I was wrong. I feel better and I feel like I can do anything now. It's going to be tough trying to get over him, but we will still be best friends. Deep in my heart, I still believe we are meant to be together. Maybe things will turn around in the end. Maybe we will be back together. I won't hope, wish or dream that we will be together again, I can only live my life day by day.

Girls, don't make your boyfriend your everything. Especailly when you're young. I thought I found the one I've been looking for, but no one's for certain. Live everyday like it's your last day on earth and appreciate everything you have. "You don't know what you have til it's gone."

Everything happens for a reason. Brian and I are going to be friends for now, he says we will still hang out, he will talk to me if I need to talk about anything, and I know he still cares about me enough to not be a total and complete asshole. I'm going to respect the friendship as it is and take it from there. Maybe he wasn't right for me. Maybe we aren't meant to be together. Ok, I need to shutup about him. Either way, I feel better about myself.

Jess and I are going to work out and lose weight together and I am so excited :) I finally have a work out partner PLUS someone who understands what I'm going through and who I'm comfortable talking too about this stuff. (even though Brian and I did work out, all he wanted to do was lift weights and I wanted to do cardio more than weight lifting) Ahhh, life is good :) Things are going to get better for me, I know they will.

Here's a quote one of my best friends sent me today:

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong do you'll appreciate when things go right. You believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and good things fall apart so better things can come together."

:)

Happy Frickin New Year

Ok, maybe that was a little strong...Happy New Year, hope you enjoyed your New Years Eve and hope 2011 will be a better year than 2010.

Now, it's ranting time. I'm single. What a way to start the new year, huh? Brian broke up with me because neither of us are happy enough to make it throught the relationship. This week we took a break, hoping it would be for the better, and it ended up breaking us up. Fuck. My. Life. Why did I not have the ability to see this coming? Ugh...I just don't know what to say right now...my whole world just walked out of my life as my boyfriend. 8 months...wasted. We will still be best friends, but I hope we are more than friends later on in life. I hope he comes back to me soon...no one will EVER replace him. He was my first love. Shit. I don't know what to do. Fuck. UGHHH!!!! WHY ME?!?! WHY THE 1ST OF THE YEAR?!!?! :(

New Years Resolution

Every year people make the traditional "New Years Resolution." Within those people, only a handful of them REALLY complete their task. (Or that I know of anyway) For the past couple years I have made up my own resolution, and I have not completed one. Go figure. I don't know about you, but I feel that 2011 is going to be a better year than 2010. For 2011, I am going to finally complete my resolution...I swear. I am getting to that age that I can really put more thought into my future and do little things to help my future in some way.

Ok, I'm following the trend...I want to lose weight once and for all. I am tired of the way I look. I want to finally be able to look good and be confident enough to buy a bikini. I'm a 19 year old college freshman and I shouldn't be uncomfortable in my own body when I go out sometimes. I want to look and feel a lot better in general, boost my confidence and not be so self conscious about myself all leading to being a better daughter, girlfriend and sister. I think losing weight will help with my relationship with Brian. Honestly, we both need to lose weight. With the both of us losing weight we would be generally more content and confident. I think it would help with the fighting, also. I hate it when he eats out so much. Ugh. So many calories! I should talk, but I could lose weight, I just need to have self control when it comes to food and work harder at the gym. Its also goes for him. Damn men, why is it that they can lose weight easier than women?!? Grrrr.

Aside from losing weight, I want to cut down on my swearing, control my temper, try harder in school and think before I say things. This also kinda leads from the weight thing, but once I start getting healthier, I think this will help with my misc things like my swearing for example. Lately I've been noticing that it's really not that attractive when I swear...I sound trashy. Brian doesn't even swear that much. I have to admit, I've been getting bad since I moved out last year. Since I'm a college student, I have to really start focusing on my grades. I don't want to fall behind and I don't want to wind up not getting my degree. I really need to start trying a lot harder, darn it. 2011 is going to see a new Sarah Jahraus, just you wait :)

Last but not least, I want to be finacially stable/move out by myself or with Brian. Since corners are getting tight at my mom's house, I am getting mature enough that I can be independent and have a place of my own. Brian isn't so sure if he wants to move in now. I kinda ruined it, but sometimes I feel that I will be taking away his first year of college by moving in with me. I mean, he has bills to pay for, aside from paying for his college himself. He needs to be mature about it and stick it through. Sometimes I feel that he is just not ready to move out. I mean, we would only be dating a year in late April, I/we would move in by July or August. And we're both so young to move in together or moving in general. I know I'm ready for it, but sometimes I feel like he isn't fully. But, we will see how it goes. Take it one day at a time and keep our fingers crossed. We were first thinking about moving into my grandma's basement, then a legit apartment and now we're back to square one. The basement sounds pretty promising. It's cheap and it's a BIG space, I mean HUGE! The carpeting is outdated, but at least the kitchen, bathroom and other appliances works well. My uncle, who is the landowner of the house, hired people to paint and remodel it. It looks a lot better than before, so it works for me :) My mom is going to contact him after the holidays and probably make a deal for next summer. Excited? Yes. A little nervous? Yes. Brian moving in with me? Possibly.

Well, there ya go! I have nothing else to really talk about now, so I'll let this rest for the evening.

Happy Holidays, and have a AWESOME New Year! Maybe a few months from now I can be at least 20 lbs skinnier :)

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

I remember the day you passed away. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, bright eyes laid to rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best.
Put this on your status if there’s someone in Heaven that you miss every day & wish that they could be here for Christmas ~ Dad <3

Dad,
I miss you like crazy.  Throughout this holiday season, I often think about how much life has changed since you've been gone. It's only been about 5 months and so much has changed. I've grown into a more mature young woman, completed my first semester of college and bought a car. I don't know if you're really proud of me and my mistakes I have made since you have passed away. I know with some things you are not very happy with me, but then there are some that I hope make you proud. Next year, I want to make you proud of me more than disappointed. I want to try harder in school, work harder, and enjoy life more. I wish you were here to help and support me as I grow. 

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and I want you to know that I love you and I hope you're in a better place. It's so hard going through the holidays without you. Sometimes I think you will walk right through the door, alive and healthy. Sometimes I can't believe you're gone. And sometimes I don't even want to think about it. It hurts when I see dad's picking up their kids at work. Yet, you have never really picked me up from daycare or anything much when I was little, but it still hurts. I hope to someday make you proud with my accomplishments as I grown into a woman. God, it's so hard to believe you're gone. I often think that this is all a nightmare, and you're out trucking, exploring the US. But I have to wake up and smell the roses....you're never coming back. When I pass by a semi truck, I think of you, hoping you were the one who was driving.

Brian's aunt passed away last weekend...now he knows what it feels like to lose a family member. Today was her funeral....it made me think about your funeral. How much I cried, the stupid family drama, the bitching, and the family in general. Since you've been gone, your family has not been a good family to us, and you know that. I just don't know what to do anymore, dad. I feel like everything's falling apart in my life. I don't know what I want, or what to do. Help me. Look out for me. Please guide me to the right path. 

I have been thinking about your death lately. Well duh. But I remember when I saw you laying on the bathroom floor, motionless. Your face was red. You groaned for help before you collapsed. I can image your body falling in the ground as your heart gave out. The pain, I can never imagine. Why didn't I hear you hit the floor? Why couldn't I been awake to help you? Why? Why?! WHY?!?!?!

Why did you have to go? Why did you have to leave us? Leave me? Life was getting better for you. The house was almost done, you were getting a better job opportunity at your job and you were going to find a place for you, me and Matt to live in, just in case. Fuck. My. Life. I'm hurting. I'm crying. I'm numb. I don't know what to do. Take this pain away, please?

....but I guess I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Goodbye Textbooks, Hello Christmas Break!

Well, today was my last day of finals/first semester. WHOO HOO!!! I am done with my first semester of college!!1 I am sooo excited Christmas break is here! I've been needing a break with stress, school, work, family, money and a social life.

To start off my christmas break, I am spending some time with my family and Brian for the most part. Tomorrow I am going over to one of my best friend, Brittney's apartment to chat along with her sister. It will be nice to catch up with the girls.

Friday I'm going over to Brian's for Christmas with his parents. Saturday he takes off to Fargo for the Houser Christmas. I am not going because of space and they are renting a hotel room and him and I cannot sleep in the same bed/room together. Parents will be parents. Oh well, I need a break anyway.

Saturday I am spending some time with my friend Maranda, who's been having a rough time with her boyfriend (now  ex) so it will also be nice to catch up with her and have a little girl time with her when Brian's gone.

Sunday one of my best friends, Ashley comes home from college in California. Dude, you have NO idea how excited to see her. Now we have more time to catch up on boys, college, life and girl stuff. Gahh! This is going to be the BEST christmas break ever!!! -- aside from working 40 hours per week and seeing my WHOLE side of my mom's side on Christmas morning :)

Oh, and did I tell you I don't go back til January 11th?!?! 3 1/2 weeks off baby!!! :D