Sometimes you can't help how you feel...

Lalala :)

Okay, I think it's time for some inspirational quotes :)

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
- Unknown

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.
- Unknown

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."
- Lisa Brooks

I am strong because I am weak.
I am beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a lover because I am a fighter.
I am fearless because I have been afraid.
I am wise because I have been foolish.
& I can laugh because I've known sadness.
- Unknown

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
George Jean Nathan

Silly, stupid love.

Have you ever thought of what could be if things actually went right? In the past 24 hours I have been thinking about the past year and how much I wish that things were different. Okay, so first off...Brian and I talked last night...and yaaa...I'm in trouble. Feelings definaetly came up, thank god I had my counseling session today to get some advice. It's not like I want him back, I just kinda wish things would of been different ya know? I know, I know, this is getting old but I can't help how I feel. No one can. Like who's really going to get over your first "serious" relationship in 9 months...or ever? Ya know? Idk, I'm over him but yet there will always be apart of me that will still want him...for now. I miss the good times we had. We have had plenty of bad times, and I looked back at them today during my session and it made me realize what a terrible person I was to him, as a girlfriend. We both needed to grow up and be apart from eachother. I want to be friends with him but I'm not sure if he wants too. I like new beginnings with old ex's and friends...sometimes they turn out good, and sometimes bad. After the breakup 9 months ago, I was a pretty happy-go-lucky girl that hid her heartbreak. I put a smile on my face when I didn't want to face my pain. I pretended to be happy, broke down a few times then just decided to try to move on. I'm now grieving our lost relationship....9 months later. I tend to skip the grieving part, to show the world that I'm okay and I can deal with it. Then months later, out of the blue it comes down on me like a ton of bricks. What I'm trying to say is that I miss what we had, now that we talked again. A few weeks ago, we both admitted that we were still hurt of what happened in our previous relationship and I thought about that today....how I'm still not completely healed. I honestly feel so dumb about this. I honestly feel so giddy and so vulnerable when we talked...it was rediculious. I didn't know what to do. Obviously I still have feelings for him, he was the best boyfriend I've had so far. I don't want to push anything but I just wish he would understand that I want a fresh start. I think it'll be easier for me if we did hang out once to see if there was that attraction still there, or not. But I'm not going to rush anything. I told him he can text me whenever. I'll let him control this first step...if there is one.

This kinda reminded me of the new episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager that aired on monday (Labor Day) If you have not watched it, just ignore me ahahah. But anyway, Adrian still "loved" Ricky so to speak and said that they would make love again...well as you may know, Ricky is with Amy now. They are living together above the butchershop with their son, John. It's cute :) (Ricky proposed to Amy during graduation, so now they are engaged. yayy!!! ) After graduation, a graduate was having a party at his house. Adrian has already been there, and then here comes Ricky and Amy, newly engaged, and Ricky looks at Adrian and asks her "Did you want something from me?" He winds up kissing her. In front of Amy and the party. WOW!!!! But, Amy allowed it because Adrian said that one more kiss and she would be "free" of him forever and she will officially move on for good. And she's now officially over him because they kissed one more time. Now, in the end, Grace and Jack recently dated and Jack still loves her, but she doesn't show that she still loves him, even though you KNOW she does! So, Jack says, "Do you really believe that? That you could be over someone with a kiss?" And they wind up kissing....and obviously they still love eachother (they're like perfect for eachother!) Okay, so this kinda relates to real life. Can someone really be over their ex after one last kiss? One may never know, I don't think I will hahaha. But if we were together...if we wouldn't of broken up, idk what would be happening...probably almost engaged. hahahahahahahahaha! Not. Well, maybe. I kinda wish things were different, but yet I have learned so much from our relationship and breakup. I've grown alot as a young adult in the past 9 months. Your boyfriend is not everything. But who knows, maybe we'll just be good friends again, I hope so.

I wish my dad was here. I hope he's proud of me. I have a very good job. I'm in school. I support myself. I have no boyfriends ahhahaha. And my mother and I have not faught in like 2 months. I hope he's proud of me, I really hope so. My world would be so much better if he was here with us.

Picture perfect.

In today's society, we are judged by how we look, how much we weigh and what class in society we fit in. I think this is sad because those people who judge don't realize how much that person that they have judged and made fun of feel inside. I am a perfect example of being judged. My own mother sometimes judges me to an extent, how much I eat, how much I do homework, etc. And honestly, it kills me. Why don't people just look at the positives instead of the negatives? I'm not saying that I'm perfect, trust me, sometimes I judge a person too quickly by appearances, but no one's perfect. Everyone judges, but it's the extent that someone judges. When someone is judged, that person becomes critical of themselves throughout life. Not 100% of all judged people do this, I'm one of them that still do, even though my self esteem is higher than average.

Now, I'm not trying to put the spotlight on me, but I'm trying to make a statement. My best friend Miranda is a photographer in progress, and she asked me to model for her today. These are some picture proofs :)

Now, normally this would be a good "senior" picture pose. Nothing wrong huh? My face looks fat. My shirt is too low. And my eyes are just weird. Very uneven.

This one is honestly one of my favorites. My hair is good, it's bright, nicely done pose. You may think that I have it all. I have fat thighs. My hips are too big. And behind this smile....there is depression, hurt, low self esteem and a girl that has been sexually assaulted more than once. I will be scared for the rest of my life.

Nothing wrong with this one, right? Wrong. I hate my smile. I wish I had a bright, beautiful, full smile.

This girl right here, looks confident, smart and has her life in order.
I hate my self image. I wish it was easy to lose weight. I don't do well in school, I don't study. I see a counselor once a week to help with my problems, it's a struggle to keep friends.

This girl, right here knows what she wants in life. Not afraid of anything.
I don't know what I want in life. I'm afraid of my future, money, work, school, family, friends and my daddy in heaven. Sometimes I have breakdowns. And in those breakdowns I want my life to end, I wish I was never born.

I guess you never really know how a person feels inside until you get to know them. When I took a poetry class in high school, I had a quote I had to define in  my own words, it said, "If you judge something, you will never learn to love it" True that. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, I'm trying to make a point that is such a big deal in today's world.

Now, for the positives:

I love laughing and smiling. Laughing is the best medicine. I honestly laugh at myself allll the time! And a smile can say a million things, overall, happiness. And it's contagious ;)

Even though I need to lose weight, I'm pretty content with myself. Yes, at times I get a little down on myself, but that's okay, it'll only make me stronger. I have a bad sweet tooth, I can't help it :p I try to go to the gym often.

I look at myself constantly. I make sure my hair is okay, my makeup is in place and that my butt doesn't look THAT big ahhaha

I'm actually a pretty confident person. I think I'm pretty. I think I have a lively laugh. I always smile and have a good time. I have cute dimples when I lose weight.

I do see a counselor once a week, but it has made me a stronger person as I get older. I have a lot on my plate for a 20 year old, (or I think) and it's sometimes hard to make the right decisions on life, boys, friends, peer pressure, school, work and my lovely daddy in heaven. But I love life. I couldn't ask for anything better in life, because EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!

After all of this, I do know that I will find the perfect guy that will treat me the way I need and deserve to be treated. He will not judge me, take advantage of me, use me and overall not take care of me. He will love me for who I am and that's all that will matter.

"Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need, and somebody I won't have to prove. Cause somebody will see all my worth, but until then, I'll do just fine on my own. With my cigarettes amd this old dirt road." The Wreckers.

I am who I am, and no one can change that. I may not be perfect, but really? Who is?

Updateeee!

Well, honestly I've been really busy lately so here's the wrap up of my recent life! :)

- I'm now a Pride employee! My last day of Stepping Stones was July 28th! I worked both jobs for 2 weeks. My first full time day was the first of August. I LOVE my job. I really do enjoy working with people with disabilities, it makes me feel really good :)

- Brian and I talked this weekend...I offered friendship and he winded up ruining it and bringing up the past. I plan on not being friends with him.

- I've met a 2 new friends. Jason from Bismarck, he's pretty cool. Nick is from Fargo, he's nice. Guy friends are good. Girlfriends are immature right now.
- Zach and I have been talking a lot lately, he's definaetly someone I would totally see myself dating. We'll see. Bob and I have been hanging out a lot. I love my guy friends :)

- I'm getting a new hair cut and color on thursday. I'm super excited for a change!

- I'm finally getting some counseling. It's helped me a lot so far. I took an assessment test, and it shows that I have mild depression and a good possibility of Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, do to my bad, negative, abusive past.

- Jessie and I (6th grade friend) had supper last night. We are planning on getting together more often. She also works at Pride.

- My dad's one year was a week ago today...I did good.

- I want to fix my smile once and for all! My goal for the next week is to start going to the dentist and get my teeth straightened. Braces is a good possibility.

- I'm going to school part time this year. I'm very excited.

- I bought a new vehicle! It's a 2000 Mercury Mountaineer. I love it! :)

- I've been realizing who my REAL friends are. My high school friends are not my real friends, they are not there for me when I need them the most. I don't need them in my life anyway.

- I enjoy being single a lot. But I do want a boyfriend in the near future.

- I've grown up a lot in the past year. I think I'm a pretty mature 20 year old college student.

That pretty much sums it uppp :)

Quotes :)

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a great sense of humor that has me hooked on you.

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
— Audrey Hepburn

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."
— Audrey Hepburn

 

 

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
— Marilyn Monroe

 

"Patience is the companion of wisdom." Saint Augustine

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Albert Einstein

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. . . . Explore. Dream."
Mark Twain

“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”
Maya Angelou

“Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what
you have.”
Doris Mortman

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.”
Agnes Repplier

:)

Happiness. Pure happiness.

Like my last blog said, I've been a lot happier lately. I've really grown apart from people that bring nagativity into my life, and have brought in new people that actually care about me and don't cause drama. I've learned a lot lately, here's just a few things...

- I'm not perfect. I'm content with who I am and no one can change that.

- North Dakota does NOT hold my future. I'm moving to Colorado in 2 years to continue my education.

- It seems that everyday, every week, every holiday makes it harder to realize that my father is dead. I miss him terribly.

- I love chocolate and I can't help myself to a nice chocolate bar. Keep those away from me. HAHA!

- Brian doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Just a faded memory.

- I'm loud. I'm confident. I'm beautiful. I'm complicated. I have a temper. But that's who I am. Take me or leave me.

- I love to meet new people.

- Going slow is a good thing. Going fast can break hearts.

- I don't want a child till I'm married.

- I love my life. Even though it a long journey.

- I get crabby if I'm tired.

- I love food. I love boys. I love guy friends. Not ready for a boyfriend. Lovin the single life too much to give it up!

- I HATE people who start drama. I HATE liars and being lied too.

- Fake girls really make me mad.

- I'm never "spotting" a friend again. Or doing an "IOU" from a friend.

- Overall, I love to get away for a while. To breathe. Relax. Enjoy life.

- I'm obsessed with bouquets of flowers.

- I love being spoiled but not too spoiled.

- Sex jokes are the best. Especially when you're having a bad day.

- I am my own best friend.


All for now. Have a good evening :)